Alistofover700inconsistenciesintheBible
Fromwww.skepticsannotatedbible.com
Genesis
Godcreateslightandseparateslightfromdarkness,anddayfromnight,
onthefirstday.Yethedidn'tmakethelightproducingobjects(the
sunandthestars)untilthefourthday(1:14-19).1:3-5
Godspendsone-sixthofhisentirecreativeeffort(thesecondday)
workingonasolidfirmament.Thisstrangestructure,whichGodcalls
heaven,isintendedtoseparatethehigherwatersfromthelowerwaters.
Thisfirmament,ifitexisted,wouldhavebeenquiteanobstacletoour
spaceprogram.1:6-8
Plantsaremadeonthethirddaybeforetherewasasuntodrivetheir
photosyntheticprocesses(1:14-19).1:11
"Hemadethestarsalso."Godspendsadaymakinglight(beforemaking
thestars)andseparatinglightfromdarkness;then,attheendofa
hardday'swork,andalmostasanafterthought,hemakesthetrillions
ofstars.1:16
"AndGodsettheminthefirmamentoftheheaventogivelightuponthe
earth."Really?Thenwhyareonlyatinyfractionofstarsvisiblefrom
earth?Underthebestconditions,nomorethanfivethousandstarsare
visiblefromearthwiththeunaidedeye,yettherearehundredsof
billionsofstarsinourgalaxyandahundredbillionorsogalaxies.
YetthisversesaysthatGodputthestarsinthefirmament"togive
light"totheearth.1:17
Godcommandsusto"befruitfulandmultiply,andreplenishtheearth,
andsubdueit:andhavedominionover...everylivingthingthatmoveth
upontheearth."ThisverseisusedtojustifyChristianoppositionto
birthcontrol,toconcernfortheenvironment,andtoanimalrights.The
earthwasmadeforhumans,andtheycandoastheydamnwellpleasewith
it.1:28
Allanimalswereoriginallyherbivores.Tapeworms,vampirebats,
mosquitoes,andbarracudas--allwerestrictvegetarians,astheywere
createdbyGod.But,ofcourse,wenowknowthattherewerecarnivorous
animalsmillionsofyearsbeforehumansexisted.1:30
GodmakestheanimalsandparadesthembeforeAdamtoseeifanywould
strikehisfancy.Butnoneseemtohavewhatittakestopleasehim.
(Althoughhewastemptedtogoforthesheep.)Aftermakingtheanimals,
GodhasAdamnamethemall.Thenamingofseveralmillionspeciesmust
havekeptAdambusyforawhile.2:18-20
God'sclever,talkingserpent.3:1
Godwalksandtalks(tohimself?)inthegarden,andplaysalittlehide
andseekwithAdamandEve.3:8-11
Godcursestheserpent.Fromnowontheserpentwillcrawlonhisbelly
andeatdust.Onewondershowhegotaroundbefore--byhoppingonhis
tail,perhaps?Butsnakesdon'teatdust,dothey?3:14
Godcursesthegroundandcausesthornsandthistlestogrow.3:17-18
GodkillssomeanimalsandmakessomeskincoatsforAdamandEve.3:21
CainisworriedafterkillingAbelandsays,"Everyonewhofindsme
shallslayme."Thisisastrangeconcernsincetherewereonlytwo
otherhumansaliveatthetime--hisparents!4:14
"AndCainwentoutfromthepresenceoftheLORD."4:16
"AndCainknewhiswife."That'snice,butwherethehelldidshecome
from?4:17
LamechkillsamanandclaimsthatsinceCain'smurdererwouldbe
punishedsevenfold,whoevermurdershimwillbepunishedseventy-seven
fold.Thatsoundsfair.4:23-24
Godcreatedamanandawoman,andhe"calledtheirnameAdam."Sothe
woman'snamewasAdam,too!5:2
Thefirstmenhadincrediblylonglifespans.5:5,5:8,5:11,5:14,5:17,
5:20,5:23,5:27,5:31,9:29
The"sonsofGod"copulatedwiththe"daughtersofmen,"andhadsons
whobecame"themightymenofold,menofrenown."6:2-4
"Thereweregiantsintheearthinthosedays."6:4
Goddecidestokillalllivingthingsbecausethehumanimaginationis
evil.Later(8:21),afterhekillseverything,hepromisesnevertodo
itagainbecausethehumanimaginationisevil.Gofigure.6:5
Godrepents.6:6-7
Godwasangrybecause"theearthwasfilledwithviolence."Butdidn't
Godcreatethewholebloodysysteminthefirstplace?Predatorand
prey,parasiteandhost--weren'ttheyalldesignedbyGod?Oh,it's
truethataccordingto1:30Godoriginallyintendedtheanimalstobe
vegetarian.Butlater(3:18)hechangedallthat.Still,theviolence
thatangeredGodwasofhisownmaking.Sowhatwasheupsetabout?And
howwouldkillingeverythinghelptomaketheworldlessviolent?Didhe
thinktheanimalswouldbehavebetterafterhe"destroysthemwiththe
earth"?IguessGodworksinmysteriousways.6:11-13
GodtellsNoahtomakeonesmallwindow(18inchessquare)inthe450
footarkforventilation.6:16
Noah,thejustandrighteous.6:9,7:1
Noah,thedrunkandnaked.9:20-21
Godopensthe"windowsofheaven."Hedoesthiseverytimeitrains.
7:11
"Thewindowsofheavenwerestopped,andtherainfromheavenwas
restrained."Thishappenswheneveritstopsraining.8:2
Noahsendsadoveouttoseeiftherewasanydryland.Butthedove
returnswithoutfindingany.Then,justsevendayslater,thedovegoes
outagainandreturnswithanoliveleaf.Buthowcouldanolivetree
survivetheflood?Andifanyseedshappenedtosurvive,theycertainly
wouldn'tgerminateandgrowleaveswithinasevendayperiod.8:8-11
Noahkillsthe"cleanbeasts"andburnstheirdeadbodiesforGod.
Accordingto7:8thiswouldhavecausedtheextinctionofall"clean"
animalssinceonlytwoofeachweretakenontotheark."AndtheLord
smelledasweetsavor."AfterthisGod"saidinhisheart"thathe'd
neverdoitagainbecause"man'sheartisevilfromhisyouth."SoGod
killedalllivingthings(6:5)becausehumansareevil,andthen
promisesnottodoitagain(8:21)becausehumansareevil.Themindof
Godisafrighteningthing.8:20-21
Accordingtothisverse,allanimalsfearhumans.Althoughitistrue
thatmanydo,itisalsotruethatsomedonot.Sharksandgrizzly
bears,forexample,aregenerallymuchlessafraidofusthanweareof
them.9:2
"Intoyourhandarethey(theanimals)delivered."Godgavetheanimals
tohumans,andtheycandowhatevertheypleasewiththem.Thisverse
hasbeenusedbybiblebelieverstojustifyallkindsofcrueltyto
anmialsandenvironmentaldestruction.9:2
Allanimalshavehands.9:5
"Beyefruitful,andmultiply."With6billionpeopleonthisplanet,we
needtodisobeyGodonthisone.9:7
Godisrightlyfilledwithremorseforhavingkilledhiscreatures.He
makesadealwiththeanimals,promisingnevertodrownthemallagain.
Heevenputstherainbowintheskysothatwheneverheseesit,itwill
remindhimofhispromisesothathewon'tbetemptedtodoitagain.
(EverytimeGodseestherainbowhesaystohimself:"Oh,yeah....
That'sright.Ipromisednottodrowntheanimalsagain.IguessI'll
havetofindsomethingelsetodo.").9:9-13
Theentiretenthchapteristhefirstofmanyboringgenealogies(see1
Chr.1-9,Mt.1:1-17,Lk.3:23-28forotherexamples)thatwearetoldto
avoidin1Tim.1:4andTit.3:9("Avoidfoolishquestionsand
genealogies.")10:1-32
Godworriesthatpeoplecouldactuallybuildatowerhighenoughto
reachhim(them?)inheaven.11:4
Godisworriedagain.Heremembershowhumansnearlybecamegodsby
findingandeatingfromthetreeoflife(Gen.3:22).Itwasaclose
call,butnowhefacesasimilarthreat.Hebeginstalkingtohimself
againsaying,"Behold,thepeopleisone,andtheyallhaveone
language."Hefearsthat"nownothingwillberestrainedfromthem,
whichtheyhaveimaginedtodo."11:6
Anotherboringgenealogythatwearetoldtoavoidin1Tim.1:4and
Tit.3:9.("Avoidfoolishquestionsandgenealogies.")Alsonotethe
ridiculouslylonglivesofthepatriarchs.11:10-32
PoorPharaohcouldn'tresistthe"veryfair"Sarai,andhetakesher
intohisharem.(Shemusthavebeenwellpreserved,sinceshewasabout
seventyyearsoldatthetime.)12:15
TheAmalekitesweresmittenbeforeAmalek(fromwhomtheydescended)was
born.AmalekwasthegrandsonofEsau(Gen.36:12).14:7
Abrahamcircumciseshimselfandallofthemalesinhishousehold.Since
hesupposedlyhad318slavesbackin14:14,pooroldAbemusthavebeen
prettybusywithhisknife.Butitwasworthit.Penisesaresupremely
importanttoGod.Andhecan'tstandforeskins.17:23-24
Sarah,whoisabout90yearsoldandhasgonethroughmenopause,laughs
atGodwhenhetellsherthatshewillhaveason.SheasksGodifshe
will"havepleasure"withher"Lord"[Abraham],whenbotharesovery
old.Godassuresherthathewillreturnandimpregnateheratthe
appointedtime.18:11-14
God,whoisplanninganothermassmurder,isworriedthatAbrahammight
trytostophim.soheaskshimselfifheshouldhidehisintentions
fromAbraham.18:17
"AndtheLordwenthisway."Nowwheremightthatbe?18:33
Lot[thejustandrighteous(2Pet.2:7-8)]offershisdaughterstoa
crowdofangelrapers.19:8
Lot'snamelesswifelooksback,andGodturnsherintoapillarofsalt.
19:26
Lotandhisdaughterscampoutinacaveforawhile.Thedaughtersget
their"justandrighteous"fatherdrunk,andhavesexualintercourse
withhim,andeachconceivesandbearsason(wouldn'tyouknowit!).
JustanotherwholesomefamilyvaluesBiblestory.19:30-38
"TheLordvisitedSarah"andhe"diduntoSarahashehadspoken."And
"SarahconceivedandbareAbrahamason."(God-assistedconceptions
neverresultindaughters.)21:1-2
TheseversessuggestthatIshmaelwasaninfantwhenhisfather
abandonedhim,yetaccordingtoGen.17:25andGen.21:5-8hemusthave
beenabout16yearsold.ItmusthavebeentoughforpoorHagartocarry
Ishmaelonhershoulderandtothen"casthimunderoneoftheshrubs."
21:14-18
AbrahamnamestheplacewherehenearlykillsIsaacafterJehovah.But
accordingtoEx.6:3,Abrahamcouldn'thaveknownthatGod'snamewas
Jehovah.22:14
Godswearstohimself.22:16
AbrahamneededGod'shelptofatherIsaacwhenhewas100yearsold
(Gen.21:1-2,Rom.4:19,Heb.11:12).Buthere,whenheisevenolder,he
managestohavesixmorechildrenwithoutanyhelpfromGod.25:2
Abrahamlivedtobe175yearsold.25:7
Ishmaellived137years.25:17
Isaac'swife(Rebekah),likehismother(Sarah),wasalsobarren.25:21
JacobnamesBethelforthefirsttime28:19,beforemeetingRachel.
Laterin35:15,justbeforeRacheldies,henamesBethelagain.(Iguess
thenamedidn'ttakethefirsttime.)
JacobgoesinuntoLeahbymistake.29:23,25
"AndJacobwentinuntoher.AndBilhahconceived,andbareJacoba
son."(Thesearrangementsneverseemtoproducedaughters.)30:4
Leah,nottobeoutdone,givesJacobhermaid(Zilpah)"towife."And
Zilpah"bareJacobason."30:9
Racheltradesherhusband'sfavorsforsomemandrakes.Andso,when
Jacobcamhome,Leahsaid:"Thoumustcomeinuntome,forsurelyIhave
hiredtheewithmyson'smandrakes.Andhelaywithherthatnight."
PresumablyGod,bytellingusthisedifyingstory,isteachingus
somethingaboutsexualethics.30:15-16
Andfinally,"GodrememberedRachel...andopenedherwomb.Andshe
conceivedandbareason[surprise,surprise]."30:22
Labanlearns"byexperience"thatGodhasblessedhimforJacob'ssake.
"Byexperience"means"bydivination",atleastthatishowmostother
versionstranslatethisverse.30:27
GodrenamesJacobforthefirsttime(See35:10forthefirstrenaming).
GodsaysthatJacobwillhenceforthbecalledIsrael,buttheBible
continuestocallhimJacobanyway.AndevenGodhimselfcallshimJacob
in46:2.30:28
Jacobdisplayshis(andGod's)knowledgeofbiologybyhavinggoats
copulatewhilelookingatstreakedrods.Theresultisstreakedbaby
goats.30:37-39
Jacobwrestleswithgodandwins.GodchangesJacob'snametoIsraelto
signifythathewrestledwithGodand"prevailed."32:24-30
Isaaclivestobe180.35:28
Chapter36presentsanotherboringgenealogythatwearetoldtoavoid
in1Tim.1:4andTit.3:9("Avoidfoolishquestionsandgenealogies.")
36:1-43
"AndJudahsawthereadaughterofacertainCanaanite...andhetook
her,andwentinuntoher.Andsheconceived,andbareason;andshe
calledhisnameEr.Andsheconceivedagain[IguessJudahmusthave
wentinuntoheragain]andbareason;andshecalledhinameOnan."
(Itseemsthattheprobabilityofhavingabiblicaldaughteris
considerablylessthan50%.)38:2-4
Josephandhismagicdiviningcup.44:5,15
Jacoblivestobe147.47:28
Exodus
TheIsraelitepopulationwentfrom70(or75)toseveralmillionina
fewhundredyears.1:5,7,12:37,38:26
GodshowsMosessometricksthathesaysaresuretoimpress.First:
Throwyourrodontheground;itwillbecomeasnake.4:2-9
Thengrabthesnakebythetailanditwillbecomearodagain.4:4
Second:Makeyourhandappearleprous,andthencureit.4:6-7
Then,ifthesetwodon'tdothetrick,pourwateronthegroundandit
willturnintoblood.(Thatoughttodoit!)4:2-9
GoddecidestokillMosesbecausehissonhadnotyetbeencircumcised.
LuckilyforMoses,hisEgyptianwifeZipporah"tookasharpstone,and
cutofftheforeskinofherson,andcastitathisfeet,andsaid,
Surelyabloodyhusbandartthoutome.Sohe[God]lethimgo."This
storyshowstheimportanceofpenisestoGod,andhishatredof
foreskins.4:24-26
GodsaysthatAbrahamdidn'tknowthathisnamewasJehovah.Yetin
Gen.22:14AbrahamnamestheplacewherehenearlykillsIsaacafter
God'sname,Jehovah.6:3
Incomplainingabouthisdifficultywithpublicspeaking,Mosessays,
"BeholdIamofuncircumcisedlips."MaybeheshouldjoinToastmasters.
6:12,6:30
GodtellsMosesandAaronthatwhenPharaohasksforamiraclejust
throwyourroddownanditwillbecomeaserpent.Sowhenthetime
comes,Mosesthrowsdownhisrodanditbecomesaserpent.Butthe
Egyptianmagiciansduplicatethistrick.Luckily,forAaron,hissnake
swallowstheirs.(Whew!)7:9-13
Aftertherodtoserpenttrick,GodtellsMosesandAarontosmitethe
riverandturnitintoblood.Thisisthefirstofthefamous10plagues
ofEgypt.Unfortunately,themagiciansknowthistricktoo,andtheydo
sowiththeirenchantments.Shucks!Justhowtherivercouldbeturned
tobloodbytheEgyptiansorcerersafterithadbeenturnedtobloodby
MosesandAaronisnotexplained.7:17-24
Thesecondplagueisfrogs.Frogscoveredtheland.Theywereallover
thebedsandfilledtheovens.ButtheEgyptianmagiciansdidthistrick
too.(Didtheywaituntilthefrogsclearedoutfromthelast
performancebeforedoingitagain?)Afterthefrogmakingcontestwas
declaredadraw,allthefrogsdiedand"theygatheredthemtogether
uponheaps;andthelandstank."Ibet.Butatleastitwasallforthe
greatergloryofGod.8:2-7
Plague#3isliceinmanandbeast.Thisisthefirsttrickthatthe
magicianscouldn'tdo.Afterthisthemagicianswereconvincedthat
MosesandAaron'splaguesweredoneby"thefingerofGod,"andthey
gaveuptryingtomatchtheremainingsevenplagues.Iguessliceare
hardertomakethanfrogs.8:17-19
Thefourthplagueisswarmsofflies,continuingthefrogsandlice
theme.8:21
Thefifthplague:allcattleinEgyptdie.9:6
Butalittlelater(9:19-20,12:29),Godkillsthemagainacouplemore
times.
Thesixthplague:boilsandblainsuponmanandbeast.9:9-12
Theseventhplagueishail."Andthehailsmotethroughoutthelandof
Egyptallthatwasinthefield,bothmanandbeast."9:22-25
Eighthplague:locuststhataresothickthatthey"coveredthefaceof
thewholeearth."(EvenoverAntarctica?)10:4-5
Ninthplague:threedaysofdarkness.Thedarknesswassothisthatthe
Egyptianscouldn'tevenseeeachother.Butthedarknessknewhowto
avoidtheIsraelites,andso"allthechildrenofIsraelhadlightin
theirdwellings."10:21-23
TheEgyptianschasedaftertheIsraeliteswith"allPharaoh'shorses."
ButaccordingtoEx.9:3-6therewouldn'thavebeenanyhorses,sinceGod
killedthemallin"averygrievousmurrain."14:23
GodremovesthewheelsfromtheEgyptians'chariots.14:25
Goddividedtheseawitha"blastof[his]nostrils."15:8
GodstandsonarockandtellsMosestohittherock.Thenwatercomes
outofitforthepeopletodrink.God'ssuchacleverguy!17:6
AslongasMosesthemagiciankeepshishandup,theIsraelitesare
successfulinbattle,butthesecondhishandfalls,theystartgetting
beat.SowhenMoses'armgetstired,Aaronpropsitupsothatthe
Amalakitesgetslaughtered.17:11-12
"TheLordhassworn[Godswears!]thattheLordwillhavewarwith
Amalekfromgenerationtogeneration."SoGodisstillfightingAmalek.
IhopeMosescanstillkeephishandup.17:14-16
Godtellsthepriestsnottogoupthestepstothealtar"thatthy
nakednessnotbediscoveredthereon."(Skirtsonstairsareaproblem.)
20:26
"Thoushaltnotseetheakidinakidinhismother'smilk."23:19
Godhashornetsthatbiteandkillpeople.23:27-28
Godhasfeet.24:10
Sixchaptersarewastedondivineinstructionsformakingtables,
candlesticks,snuffers,etc.25-30
Goddecreesthatpriestlygarments,girdles,andbonnetsshallbemade
"forgloryandbeauty."28:2,20,40
Aaronmustwhereabellwheneverheenters"theholyplace"orGodwill
killhim.28:34-35
Godgivesinstructionsformakingpriestlybreeches."Andthoushalt
makethemlinenbreechestocovertheirnakedness;fromtheloinseven
untothethighsshalltheyreach."28:42
Godinstructstheprieststoburnthedungofbullocksoutsidethecamp
asasinoffering.29:14
GodtellsMosestokillaramandputthebloodonthetipofAaron's
rightear,andonhisrightthumb,andonhisrightbigtoe,andthen
sprinklethebloodaroundthealtar.Finally,sprinklesomeonAaronand
hissonsandontheirgarments.Thiswillmakethem"hallowed."29:20-21
GodtellsAaronandhissonstotaketherump,fat,caul,kidneys,and
rightshoulderoftheramandaddaloafofbreadortwo,andawaferof
unleavenedbread.ThentheyputthewholemessinthehandsofAaronand
hissonsandtheywavethembeforetheLord.Thisisawaveoffering.
29:22-24
AndwhoeverusesGod'sfavoriteperfumewillbeexiled.30:37-38
God'sfinger.31:18
AlthoughGodistooshytoletMosesseehisface,hedoespermitapeek
athis"backparts."(Thedivinemooning)33:23
God'snameisJealous.34:14
Leviticus
Godgivesdetailedinstructionsforperformingritualisticanimal
sacrifices.suchbloodyritualsmustbeimportanttoGod,judgingfrom
thenumberoftimesthatherepeatstheirinstructions.Indeedthe
entirefirstninechaptersofLeviticuscanbesummarizedasfollows:
Getananimal,killit,sprinklethebloodaround,cutthedeadanimal
intopieces,andburnitfora"sweetsavoruntotheLord."Chapters1-
9
Whenyouaremakingyouranimalsacrifices,besuretorememberthat
"allthefatistheLord's."Godlovesbloodandguts,butmost
especiallyfat.Andhedoesn'tliketoshare!3:16
"Ifasoulshallsinthroughignorance...."Buthowcansomeone"sin
throughignorance?"Don'tyourhavetoatleastknowthatanactis
wrongbeforeitcanbesinful?4:2,13,22,27
Ifyoutouchanyuncleanthing(likeadeadcoworabug)orthe
"uncleannessofman"(?),thenyou'llbebothuncleanandguilty.5:2-3
Accordingtotheseversesit'spossibletosinwithoutevenknowingthat
you'vedonesomethingwrong.5:15,17
Whatevertouchesthedeadbodyofaburntofferingbecomesholy.6:25-27
Becarefulwhatyoueatduringtheseanimalsacrifices.Don'teatfator
blood--theseareforGod.(Andhedoesn'tliketoshare!)7:18-27
Godgivesinstructionsfor"waveofferings"and"heaveofferings."He
saystheseofferingsaretobemadeperpetually"byastatuteforever."
Haveyoumadeyourheaveofferingtoday?7:30-36
MosesdressesuphisbrotherAaronwith"thecuriousgirdleofthe
ephod."8:7-8
MosesdoesitallforGod.Firsthekillsananimal;wipesthebloodon
Aaron'sears,thumbs,andbigtoes.Thenhesprinklesbloodroundabout
andwavesthegutsbeforetheLord.Finallyheburnsthewholemessfor
"asweetsavourbeforetheLord."8:14-32
Morekilling,sprinklingofblood,waivinganimalparts,andburning
carcasses"beforetheLord."9:8-21
Ifpriestsmisbehavebyuncoveringtheirheadsortearingtheirclothes,
thenGodwillkillthemand"allthepeople."10:6
GodcommandstheIsraelitestokeepdoingthesewaveandheaveofferings
"byastatuteforever."10:15
Clams,oysters,crabsandlobstersareabominationstoGod.11:10-12
Besuretowatchoutforthose"otherflyingcreepingthingswhichhave
fourfeet."(IwishGodwouldn'tgetsotechnical!)Iguesshemustmean
four-leggedinsects.You'dthinkthatsinceGodmadetheinsects,andso
manyofthem(atleastseveralmillionspecies),thathewouldknowhow
manylegstheyhave!11:23
God'streatmentforleprosy:Gettwobirds.Killone.Dipthelivebird
inthebloodofthedeadone.Sprinklethebloodontheleperseven
times,andthenlettheblood-soakedbirdflyoff.Nextfindalamband
killit.Wipesomeofitsbloodonthepatient'srightear,thumb,and
bigtoe.Sprinkleseventimeswithoilandwipesomeoftheoilonhis
rightear,thumbandbigtoe.Repeat.Finallykillacoupledovesand
offeroneforasinofferingandtheotherforaburntoffering.14:2-32
Long,tiresome,anddisgustinginstructionsregardingthetreatmentof
menwhohavea"runningissue"outoftheir"flesh."Veryenlightening.
"Andifhethathaththeissuespituponhimthatisclean..."15:2-15
Thispassagetellsyouwhattodoifyougetyour"seedofcopulation"
onyourself,yourclothes,oryourpartner.ThankGodthisisinthe
Bible.15:16-18,32
Godexplainstheuseofscapegoats.Itgoeslikethis:Gettwogoats.
Killone.Wipe,smear,andsprinklethebloodaroundseventimes.Then
taketheothergoat,giveitthesinsofallthepeople,andsenditoff
intothewilderness.16:6-28
"Thoushaltnotletthycattlegenderwithadiversekind:thoushalt
notsowthyfieldwithamingledseed:neithershallagarmentmingled
oflinenandwoolencomeuponthee."I'mgladGodtoldmeaboutthis,I
wasjustabouttodosomeoftheseawfulthings.19:19
GodtellstheIsraelitesthatthefruitfromfruittreesis
"uncircumcised"forthreeyearsafterthetreesareplanted.19:23
Don'teatanythingwithblood,don'troundthecornersofyourhead,mar
thecornersofyourbeard,makeanycuttingsinyourfleshforthedead,
orprintanymarksonyou.19:26-28
Stayawayfromwizardsandpeoplewithfamiliarspirits.19:35-36
Priestsmustnot"makebaldnessupontheirhead,neithershallthey
shaveoffthecorneroftheirbeard."21:5
Thehighpriestshallnot"goinuntoanydeadbody,nordefilehimself
forhisfather,orforhismother."21:11
HandicappedpeoplecannotapproachthealtarofGod.Theywould
"profane"it.21:16-23
Anyonewitha"flatnose,oranythingsuperfluous"muststayawayfrom
thealtarofGod.21:18
Amanwithdamagedtesticlesmustnot"comenightoofferthebreadof
hisGod."21:20
Amanwhoisunclean,orisaleper,orhasa"runningissue",or"whose
seedgoethfromhim",orwhotouchesanydeador"creepingthing"...
"shallnoteatoftheholythings,untilhebeclean."22:3-5
Godgivesusmoreinstructionsonkillingandburninganimals.Iguess
thefirstninechaptersofLeviticuswasn'tenough.Hesayswemustdo
thisbecausehereallylikesthesmell--itis"asweetsavouruntothe
Lord."23:12-14,18
"Ifthentheiruncircumcisedheartsbehumbled..."Howcanaheartbe
"uncircumcised"?26:41
Numbers
TheIsraelitepopulationwentfromseventy(Ex.1:5)toseveralmillion
(over600,000adultmales)injustafewgenerations!1:45-46
"Andwhenthepeoplecomplained,itdispleasedtheLord:andtheLord
heardit."(Hehadhishearingaidon.)Hethenburnsthecomplainers
alive.That'llteachthem.11:1
Godpromisestogivethem"fleshtoeat,"notforjustafewdays,but
"forawholemonth,untilitcomeoutofyournostrils,anditbe
loathsometoyou."Yuck.11:20
Godsendsquailstofeedhispeopleuntiltheywere"twocubits[abouta
meter]highuponthefaceoftheearth."Takingthe"faceoftheearth"
tobeacirclewitharadiusofsay30kilometers(anapproximateday's
journey),thiswouldamountto3trillion(3x1012)litersofquails.At
2quailsperliter,thiswouldprovideacouplemillionquailsforeach
ofseveralmillionpeople.11:31
"NowthemanMoseswasverymeek,aboveallthemenwhichwereuponthe
faceoftheearth."Thisisastrangewaytodescribeonofthecruelest
mentohaveeverlived(Ifheeverdidlive,whichheprobablydidn't).
Moses,asheisdescribedintheBible,isanythingbutmeek(See
Num.31:14-18foranexampleofhis"meekness").12:3
"AndtheLordsaiduntoMoses,Ifherfatherhadbutspitinherface,
shouldshenotbeashamedsevendays?"Perhaps.Butshouldn'tGodbe
ashamedforincludingsuchvulgarityintheBible?12:14
"Andtherewesawthegiants...Andwewereinourownsightas
grasshopper,andsowewereintheirsight."Accordingtothis
description,then,thegiantsmusthavebeenabout300feettall.These
arethesamegiants(theNephilium)thatresultedwhenthe"sonsofGod"
matedwith"thedaughtersofmeninGen.6:4.Ofcoursethesesuperhuman
god-menshouldhavebeendestroyedintheflood.Sowhataretheydoing
stillalive?13:33
Godgivesmoreinstructionsfortheritualistickillingofanimals.The
smellofburningfleshis"asweetsavouruntotheLord."15:3,13-14,
24
"Ifanysoulsinthroughignorance..."buthowcansomeonesinthrough
ignorance?Don'tyouhavetoknowthatanactioniswrongforittobe
sinful?Ohwell,ifyoudohappentosinthroughignorance,youcanbe
forgivenbyGodifyoukillsomeanimals.15:27-30
Immediatelyafterorderingtheexecutionofthesabbathbreaker,God
getsdowntosomemoreimportantbusiness--likeinstructingthepeople
onhowtomakefringesontheirgarments.15:38-39
Aaronisgettingbetterathismagictricks.Hehasrodbud,bloom,and
yieldalmonds.17:8
Goddescribesonceagaintheprocedureforritualisticanimal
sacrifices.suchritualsmustbeextremelyimportanttoGod,sincehe
makestheirperformancea"statute"and"covenant"forever.Why,then
don'tBible-believersperformthesesacrificesanymore?Don'tthey
realizehowGodmustmissthe"sweetsavour"ofburningflesh?Don't
theybelieveGodwhenhesays"forever"?18:17-19
Thepurificationoftheunclean.Theseabsurdrituals,cruelsacrifices,
andunjustpunishmentsarevitallyimportanttoGod.Heeveninsists
thattheyaretobe"aperpetualstatute"toallhumankind.19:1-22
Godgiveinstructionsforburningthe"dung"ofsacrificialanimals.
Thisissomethingthateveryoneneedstoknowabout(that'swhyit'sin
theBible!).19:5
MoseshitsarockwithhisrodandPresto!--watercomesout.20:11
Godsends"fieryserpents"tobitehischosenpeople,andmanyofthem
die.21:6
TosavethepeoplefromGod'ssnakes,Mosesmakesagravenimageinthe
formofasnake(breakingthesecondcommandment)andputsitonapole.
ThosewholookatMoses'magicsnaketonotdie--eveniftheywere
previouslybitbyGod'ssnakes.21:8
GodasksBalaamthenon-rhetoricalquestion,"Whatmenarethesewith
thee?"22:9
GodsaystoBalaam,"Ifmencometocallthee,riseup,andgowith
them."Mencome,andBalaamgoeswiththem,justascoghadcommanded."
AndGod'sangerwaskindledbecausehewent"--buthewasjust
followingGod'sinstructions!22:20-22
Balaamhasanicelittlechatwithhisass.22:28-30
GodmeetsBalaamand"putawordinhismouth."23:15-16
Godhas"thestrengthofaunicorn."Ohheck,Ibethe'sevenstronger
thanaunicorn.23:22
Balaamsays"hiskingshallbehigherthanAgag."ButBalaamcouldn't
haveknownaboutAgagsinceAgagdidn'tliveuntilthetimeofKing
Saul.(See1Sam.15:33whereSamuelhackskingAgagintopieces.)24:7
God,whoisasstrongasaunicorn,willeatupthenations,breaktheir
bones,andthenpiercethemthroughwithhisarrows.Whataguy!24:8
Inthesechapters,Godprovidesridiculouslydetailedinstructionsfor
theritualisticsacrificeofanimals.Theburningoftheirdeadbodies
smellsgreattoGod.EleventimesinthesetwochaptersGodsaysthat
theyaretohima"sweetsavour."28-29
Deuteronomy
GodgavetheMoabitesandtheAmmonitesspecialprotectionsincethey
werethedescendentsofLot'sdrunken,incestuousaffairwithhis
daughters(Gen.19:30-38).2:9,19
Moretalkabouta"landofgiants."Theymusthavebeenmuchmorecommon
backthen.2:10-11,20
Og,thekingofthegiants,wasatallman,evenbyNBAstandards.His
bedmeasured9by4cubits(15feetlongand6feetwide).3:11
Whengoingtowar,don'tbeafraid.Godisonyourside;"heshallfight
foryou."3:22
"YeshallnotadduntothewordwhichIcommandyouneithershallye
diminishoughtfromit."Thisverseisoneofthosethatprevent
Bible-believersfromcleaninguptheBible.Sothey'restuckwiththe
uneditedversion.4:2
God'sfavoritepeoplewillneverbeinfertile(neitherwilltheircows!)
andwillnevergetsick.(Godwillsendinfertilityanddiseasesonthe
otherguys.)7:14-15
Godwillsendhornetstokillyourenemies,"fortheLordthyGodis
amongyou,amightyGodandterrible."7:20-23
HereissomegoodadvicefromGod:"Circumcisetheforeskinofyour
heart."10:16
AfterGodinstructstheIsraelitestomercilesslyslaughterallthe
strangersthattheyencounter(Dt.7:2,16),hetellsthemto"loveye
thereforethestranger:foryewerestrangersinthelandofEgypt."
10:19
Godsaysthatweshouldn'taddto,ortakeawayfrom,anyofhis
commands.Whythendon'tmodernBible-believersstonetodeath
blasphemers,sabbathbreakers,anddisobedientsons?12:32
Don't"makeanybaldnessbetweenyoureyesforthedead."14:1
Thisversemistakenlysaysthattheharechewsitscud.14:7-8
Don'teatanyseafoodunlessithasfinsandscales.Oysters,clams,
crabs,andlobstersare"unclean"andshouldn'tbeeaten.14:10
TothebiblicalGod,abatisjustananotheruncleanbird.14:11,18
Don'teatanydeadanimalsthatyoufindlyingaround.Butit'sokayto
giveittostrangersorsellittoforeigners.And,justincaseyou
weregettingreadyto,don'tboilakid(younggoat)isitsmother's
milk.14:21
Don'tsacrificeanyanimalwithablemishtoGod--heisverypicky!
17:1
"Thoushaltnotremovethyneighborslandmark"(?)19:14
Godtravelswithpeopleandfightsintheirwars.20:4
Ifyoufindadeadbodyanddon'tknowthecauseofdeath,thengetall
theelderstogether,cutofftheheadofaheifer,washyourhandsover
itsbody,andsayourhandshavenotshedthisblood.(That'lldoit!)
21:1-8
"Thoushaltnotplowwithanoxandanasstogether"orwearwooland
linentogetherinthesamegarment.But"thoushaltmaketheefringes
uponthefourquartersofthyvesture."22:10-12
Youcan'tgotochurchifyourtesticlesaredamagedoryourpenishas
beencutoff.23:1
Godwon'tletbastardsattendchurch.Neithercanthesonsordaughters
ofbastards"eventothetenthgeneration."Soifyouplantoattend
churchnextSundaybereadytoprovethatyourgenitalsareintactand
don'tforgetyourbirthcertificateandgenealogicalrecordsforat
leastthelasttengenerations.Don'tlaugh.Thisstuffisimportantto
God.23:2
Godgivesusinstructionsfordefecating.Hesaystocarefullycoverup
allfeces"fortheLordwalkethinthemidstofthycamp."(Youwouldn't
wantthedivinefoottostepinyourshit,wouldyou?)23:12-14
Ifamandieswithouthavingachild,hisbrothershall"goinunto"his
deadbrother'swife.Ifherefuses,thedeadman'swifeistoloosenhis
shoeandspitinhisface.25:5-10
Iftwomenfightandthewifeofonegrabsthe"secrets"oftheother,
"thenthoushaltcutoffherhand"and"thyeyeshallnotpityher."
25:11-12
"Cursedbethemanthatmakethanygravenimage."WhythendidGod
insistthatgravenimagesbemadeinEx.25:18andNum.21:8?"An
abominationuntotheLordistheworkofthecraftsman."28:15
"Cursedbehethatremovethhisneighbor'slandmark:Andallthepeople
shallsay,Amen."27:17
"Cursedbehethatliethwithhisfather'swife,becauseheuncovereth
hisfather'sskirt."(Why?)27:20
"Cursedbehethatliethwithanymannerofbeast:andallthepeople
shallsay,Amen."27:21
"Cursedbehethatliethwithhissister...Andallthepeopleshall
say,Amen."27:22
"Cursedbehethatliethwithhismotherinlaw:andallthepeople
shallsay,Amen."27:23
"Cursedbehethatconfirmethnotallthewordsofthislaw."27:26
"Cursedshaltthoubeinthecity,andcursedshaltthoubeinthe
field."Iguessyou'llbecursedjustaboutwhereveryougo.28:16
"Cursedshaltthoubewhenthoucomestin,andcursedshaltthoubewhen
thougoestout."28:19
"Andthyheaventhatisoverthyheadshallbebrass,andtheearththat
isundertheeshallbeiron."28:23
"TheLordwillsmitetheewiththebotchofEgypt,andtheemerods
[hemorrhoids],andwiththescab,andwiththeitch,whereofthoucanst
behealed.TheLordwillsmitetheewithmadness,andblindness,and
astonishmentofheart."28:27-28
"TheLordwillsmitetheeintheknees,andinthelegs,withasore
botchthatcannotbehealed,fromthesoleofthyfootuntothetopof
thyhead."28:35
"Thestrangerthatiswithintheeshallgetupabovetheeveryhigh;and
thoushaltcomedownverylow...heshallbethehead,andthoushalt
bethetail."28:43-44
TheshoesandclothingoftheIsraelitesdidn'twearoutevenafter
wanderinginthewildernessforfortyyears.Theyjustdon'tmakethem
liketheyusedto!29:5
Godwillcircumciseyourheartand"theheartofthyseed."30:6
WhenMoseswas120yearsoldhecouldnolonger"gooutandcomein."
I'llbethecouldstillgoupanddown,though.Indeed,justalittle
later(Dt.34:7)wearetoldthat"hiseyewasnotdim,norhisnatural
forcesabated."31:1-2
"Theirwineisthepoisonofdragons."Iwonderwhatgenusandspecies
thebibleisreferringtowhenitmentionsdragons.32:33
Joseph's"hornsarelikethehornsofaunicorn."That'sgoodtoknow.
33:17
Moses,theallegedauthorofthePentateuch,describeshisowndeathand
burial.34:5
Joshua
ThepriestswereabletocrosstheJordanwithoutgettingtheirfeet
wet.3:17
AtGod'scommand,Joshuamakessomeknivesandcircumcises"againthe
childrenofIsraelthesecondtime"(ouch!)atthe"hillofthe
foreskins."5:2-3
God'splanforthedestructionofJericho:Havesevenpriestsgobefore
thearkwithseventrumpetsofram'shorns.Thenontheseventhday,
theygoaroundthecityseventimes.Finally,thepriestsblowalong
blastfromtheram'shorns,allthepeopleshout,andthewallswill
falldown.6:4-7,13-15
Joshuaandalltheeldersteartheirclothes,fallontheirfaces,and
putdustontheirheads.Theyperformthistantrumbecausethe
Israeliteslostabattle(Godwaspunishingthembecauseoneman(Achan)
"tookoftheaccursedthing").Iwonderwhat"theaccursedthing"was?
Knowledge,tolerance,kindnessperhaps?7:1-13
GodslaughterstheAmoritesandevenchasesthem"alongtheway"asthey
trytoescape.Thenhesendsdownhugehailstonesandkillsevenmoreof
them.10:10-11
Inadivinetypeofdaylightsavingstime,Godmakesthesunstandstill
sothatJoshuacangetallhiskillingdonebeforedark."Isthisnot
writteninthebookofJasher?"Beatsme.10:12-13
"TheLordfoughtforIsrael."Iwonderwhatkindofweaponheused.
Probablythejawboneofanass.10:14,10:42
"AndthecoastofOgkingofBashan,whichasoftheremnantofthe
giants..."Whyistherenorecordofanyofthesegiantsinthe
archeologicalrecord?12:4,18:16
PoorJoshuamusthavehadtroublewithmath.Hesaysthereare29cities
inverse32,buthelists38inverses21-32.Thenhesaystherewere14
citiesinverse36,butlists15inverses33-36.15:32,36
Judges
Godpromisedmanytimesthathewoulddriveoutalltheinhabitantsof
thelandstheyencountered.ButtheseversesshowthatGodfailedto
keephispromisesincehewasunabletodriverouttheCanaanites.1:21,
27-30
Godanger"washotagainstIsrael,andhesoldthem."Well,Ihopehe
gotagoodprice.2:14,4:2
Shamgarkills600Philistineswithanoxgoad.PraiseGod.3:31
EverymaleMidianitewaskilledduringthetimeofMoses(Num.31:7),and
yetjustafewyearslatertheyflourishlikegrasshoppers"without
number."6:1-6
GideonneedssomesignstoconvincehimthatGodisn'tlyingtohim.So
heputsdownsomewoolonthegroundandasksGodtomakeitwet,while
keepingthesurroundinggrounddry.AndGoddoesit,nosweat.But
GideonisstillnotsurehecantrustGod,soheaskshimtoreversethe
trick,andmakethegroundwetandthewooldry."AndGoddidso..."
GideonmusthavebeenimpressedbyaGodthatcoulddosuchgreat
things.6:36-40
GodpicksthementofightinGideon'sarmybythewaytheydrinkwater.
Onlythosethatlapwaterwiththeirtongues,"asadoglappeth,"shall
fight.7:4-7
TheMidianitesandAmelekiteshadaninfinitenumberofcamels--well,
maybenotquite,butatleastasmany"asthesandbytheseashore."
7:12
GideonmadeanEphodoutofcamelnecklacesthatcaused"allIsrael"to
"goawhoring.8:27
Abimelechkills70brothers"upononestone."(Hewastryingtogetin
theGuinnessBookofWorldRecords.)9:5
"Wine...cheerethGodandman."SoGoddrinkswineanditmakeshim
happy.9:13
Godsendsevilspiritsthatcausehumanstodealtreacherouslywitheach
other.9:23-24
GodisangryatIsraelsohesellsthemtothePhilistines.Hehad
previouslysoldthemtothekingsofMesopotamia(3:8)andCanaan(4:2).
He'ssuchashrewdbusinessman!10:7
"Andthechild[Samson]grew,andtheLordblessedhim."Samsonwasone
ofthevilestofallthevileBibleheroes;Yethewasespecially
blessedbyGod.13:24
Samsonripsupayounglionwhen"thespiritoftheLordcamemightily
uponhim."Later,whengoingto"take"hisPhilistinewifehenoticesa
swarmofbeesandhoneyinthelion'scarcass(aDivinemiracle--or
justrottingfleshandmaggots?).14:5-8
"ThespiritoftheLordcamemightilyupon"Samsonand"hefoundanew
jawboneofanass...andtookit,andslew1000mentherewith."
15:14-15
Samson,after"goinginunto"aharlot,takesthedoors,gate,andposts
ofthecityandcarriesthemtothetopofahill.Whydidhedothis?
DidGodmakehimdoitorwashejustshowingoff?TheBibledoesn't
say.16:3
SamsonrevealsthesecretofhisstrengthtoDelilah:"IfIbeshaven,
thenmystrengthwillgofromme."(AndIthoughthisstrengthwasfrom
God.)16:17
AftertakinginatravelingLevite,thehostoffershisvirgindaughter
andhisguest'sconcubinetoamobofperverts(whowanttohavesex
withhisguest).Themobrefusesthedaughter,butacceptstheconcubine
andthey"abuseherallnight."Thenextmorningshecrawlsbacktothe
doorstepanddies.TheLeviteputsherdeadbodyonanassandtakesher
home.Thenhechopsherbodyupintotwelvepiecesandsendsthemto
eachofthetwelvetribesofIsrael.19:22-30
GodtellstheIsraelitestosendthetribeofJudahintobattleand
22,000menwerekilledbytheBenjamites.20:18,21
Godtellsthemtogotobattleagainandanother18,000arekilled.
20:23,25
Ruth
Boaz"wentinunto"Ruthand"theLordgaveherconception,andshebare
ason."AnotherGod-assistedconceptionresultsinababyboy.Sonofa
gun.4:13
1Samuel
"AndElkanahknewHannahhiswife;andtheLordrememberedher[he
probablysaidsomethinglike,"Ohyeah,she'stheonewhosewombIshut
up."].AndHannahconceivedand"bareason[Ohboy,anotherboy!],and
calledhisnameSamuel."1:19-20
Aftergod"openedherwomb"Hannahexclaims,"mymouthisenlargedover
mineenemies."Soundskinkytome.2:1
GodsmitesthepeopleofAshdodwithhemorrhoids"intheirsecret
parts."5:6,9,12
AfterstrikingthePhilistineswithhemorrhoids"intheirsecretparts,"
hedemandsthattheysendhimfivegoldenhemorrhoidsasa"trespass
offering."6:5,11,17
"AnevilspiritfromtheLordtroubledhim."butifGodisgood,then
howcouldhehaveanevilspirit?16:14-16,23
Goliathwastenfeettall("sixcubitsandaspan").17:4
"TheevilspiritfromGodcameuponSaul,andheprophesied."18:10
"AllIsraelandJudahlovedDavid,becausehewentoutandcamein
beforethem."18:16
Davidkills200PhilistinesandbringstheirforeskinstoSaultobuy
hisfirstwife(Saul'sdaughterMichal).Saulhadonlyaskedfor100
foreskins,butDavidwasfeelinggenerous.18:25-27
AndtheevilspiritfromtheLordwasuponSaul."Poorguy,hejust
can'tkeepGod'sevilspiritoffofhimself.19:9
Davidactslikehe'scrazy,scribblesonthegatesofGath,andlets
spitrundownhisbeard.AllthishedidinfrontofIsrael'senemiesin
thehopesthattheywouldtakehiminandprotecthimfromSaul.21:12
"AndDavidsmotethelandandleftneithermannorwomanalive."(No
wonderGodlikedDavidsomuch!)AmongthosethatDavidexterminated
weretheAmalekites.Buttherecouldn'thavebeenanyAmalekitestokill
sinceSaulkilledthemall(1Sam.15:7-8)justalittlewhilebefore.
27:8-11
Saulvisitsawomanwitha"familiarspirit"andshebringsSamuelback
fromthedead.SamuelonceagainexplainsthatGodisangryatSaulfor
notkillingalloftheAmelekites.HesaysGodisgoingtodeliverall
ofIsraelintothehandsofthePhilistines.(SinceSaulrefusedto
slaughterinnocentpeople,GodwillslaughtertheIsraelites.Fairis
fair.)28:8-19
TheAmalekitesareatoughtribe.Twicetheywere"utterlydestroyed":
firstbySaul(1Sam.15:7-8)andthenbyDavid(1Sam.27:9-11).Yethere
theyare,justafewyearslater,fightingtheIsraelitesagain!30:1
DavidspendsthedaykillingmoreofthosepeskyAmalekites.Theyare
completelywipedoutagain.(See1Sam.15:7-8,20and27:8-9forthe
lasttwotimesthattheywereexterminated.)30:17
2Samuel
"Behold,itiswritteninthebookofJasher."Where?Ican'tseemto
findacopyofthisbook.1:18
AbnersmitesAsahel"underthefifthrib."Itseemsthatin2Samuel
thisisthepreferredplacetogetsmitten.2:23,3:27,4:6,20:10
Davidsays,"delivermemywifeMichal,whichIespousedtomefora
hundredforeskinsofthePhilistines."Well,heactuallypaidwithtwo
hundredforeskins(see1Sam.18:27).3:14
AfterBathsheba'sbabyiskilledbyGod,Davidcomfortsherbygoing"in
untoher."Sheconceivesandbearsanotherson(Solomon).12:24
"Thewood[forest]devouredmorepeoplethatdaythanthesword
devoured."Itmusthavebeenspookyforesttohavedevouredmorethan
20,000soldiers.Therewereprobablylotsoflionsandtigersandbears.
(Ohmy!)18:8
Theearthshakes,thefoundationsofheavenmove,smokecomesoutof
God'snostrils,andfireoutofhismouth.22:8-16
GodtemptsDavidtotakecensus,though1Chr.21:1saysthatSatan
temptedDavid,andJas.1:13saysthatGodnevertemptsanyone.Whydid
GodorSatantemptDavidtotakethecensus?Andwhattheheckiswrong
withacensusanyway?24:1
Israelhad1,300,000fightingmeninthisbattle.Ofcourse,thisisa
ridiculouslyhighnumberforabattlebetweentwotribalarmiesin1000
BCE.(TheUnitedStateshadabout1.37millionactivedutysoldiersin
2001.)24:9
GodoffersDavidachoiceofpunishmentsforhavingconductedthe
census:1)sevenyearsoffamine(1Chr.21:1saysthreeyears),2)three
monthsfleeingfromenemies,or3)threedaysofpestilence.Davidcan't
decide,soGodchoosesforhimandsendsapestilence,killing70,000
men(andprobablyaround200,000womenandchildren).24:13
Finally,whenanangelisabouttodestroyJerusalem,"theLord
repented."That'snice,butwhywouldagoodGodhavetorepentofthe
evilthatheplannedtodo?24:16
1Kings
GodgrantsSolomon's'requestandmakeshimthewisestofallmen.(He
waswisereventhanJesus.)Healsopromisesto"lengthenSolomon's
days"ifhewillonly"walkinmyways,...asthyfatherDaviddid
walk."Butalas,itwasonlyadream.3:12-15
HowcouldSolomonbe"wiserthanallmen"andyethavehisheart"turned
away...afterothergods?"(1Kg.11:4)4:29-31
Thehousethat"SolomonbuiltfortheLord"wastinycomparedtotheone
hebuiltforhimself.Accordingto7:1-2,God'shousehadlessthan
one-quarterthefloorspaceofSolomon's.6:2,7:1-2
Godcreatesdroughtsbycausing"heaventoshutup"asapunishmentfor
sin.8:35
"KingSolomonlovedmanystrangewomen.Andhehad700wivesand300
concubines."11:3
Thewisestmanthateverlived(1Kg.4:31)wasmisledbyhiswivesinto
worshippingothergods."AndhisheartwasnotperfectwiththeLordhis
God,aswastheheartofDavidhisfather."See1Sam.18:27,27:9,2
Sam.4:12,5:8,13,and11:2-17forexamplesofwhatamanwhoseheartis
"perfectwiththeLord"cando.ItwasfortunatethatSolomon'sheart
wasnotsoperfect.11:4,15:3
Joab(David'scaptain)spentsixmonthskillingeverymaleinEdom.Yet
afewyearslaterEdomrevolted.(2Kg.8:22)11:15
Godkillseveryone"thatpissethagainstthewall."14:10,16:11,21:21
RavensbringElijahbreadandfleshforbreakfastanddinner.17:6
GoddeliverstheSyriansintotheIsraeliteshands,and100,000were
killedinoneday.Ofthosethatescaped,27,000werecrushedbya
fallingwall.(Itwasareallybigwall.)20:28-30
God'sdogfood.21:19,22:23
2Kings
Elijahshowsthatheis"amanofGod"byburning102mentodeath.
1:10,122:8
ElisharepeatsElijah'strickofpartingthewatersoftheJordanby
smitingthemwithhismantle.2:14
Elisha"heals"thewatersbyaddingapinchofsalt.2:20-22
Godsendstwobearstoripup42littlechildrenformakingfunof
Elisha'sbaldhead.2:23-24
ElishacandoallthetricksofJesus(raisethedead,healthesick,
etc.).Herehecuresaleper,butonlyaftertheleperdipshimself
seventimesintheJordan.5:14
Elishamakesanironaxheadswim.Neattrick,notevenJesusdidthat
one!6:6
Duringafamineanass'sheadsellsfor80piecesofsilverandabitof
dove'sdungfor5piecesofsilver.6:25
TheEdomitesrevolt.Buthowcouldtheyhavefoughtwhenalloftheir
maleshadjustrecentlybeenkilled?(1Kg.11:16)8:22
Adeadbodyisbroughttolifewhenitaccidentallytouchesthebonesof
Elisha.13:21
Accordingtothisverse,Ahazwas36yearsoldwhenhecompletedhis
reign.And18:1-2saysthathewassucceededbya25yearoldson,
Hezekiah.ThismeansthatAhazfatheredHezakiahwhenhewasonlyeleven
yearsold!16:2
Hezekiah,thesonofAhaz,begantoreignwhenhewas25yearsold.His
fatherwas36yearsoldwhenHezekiahtookover(16:2).SoAhazwasonly
elevenyearsoldwhenhefatheredHezekiah!18:1-2
An"angeloftheLord"kills185,000menwhiletheysleep."Andwhen
theyaroseearlyinthemorning,behold,theywerealldeadcorpses."I
guesstheyallwokeupandsaid,"Shucks,I'mdead."19:35
Isaiah,withalittlehelpfromGod,makesthesunmovebackwardsten
degrees.Nowthat'squiteatrick.Allatonce,theearthstopped
spinningandthenreverseditsdirectionofrotation.Ormaybethesun
traveledaroundthe
Godthreatensto"bringsucheviluponJerusalemandJudah,that
whosoeverhearethofit,bothhisearsshalltingle."21:12
1Chronicles
ThefirstninechaptersofFirstChroniclesaregoodexamplesofthe
"endlessgenealogies"thatPaultellsustoavoid(see1Tim.1:4and
Tit.3:9).Chapters1-9
SevensonsofZerubbabelarelisted,notfiveasissaidinthisverse.
3:20
FivesonsofShemiaharelisted,notsixasissaidinthisverse.3:22
TheGaditeshadfaceslikelionsandcouldrunasfastasdeeronthe
mountains.12:8
AccordingtothisverseDavid'sarmyhad1,100,000menfromIsraeland
470,000menfromJudah,Ofcourse,thisnumbersisridiculouslyhighfor
abattlebetweentwotribalarmiesin1000BCE.(TheUnitedStateshad
about1.37millionactivedutysoldiersin2001.)21:5
DavidprovidesSolomonwithafantasticallylargeamountofgoldand
silverwithwhichtobuildthetemple:100,000talentsofgoldand
1,000,000talentsofsilver.Sinceatalentwasabout60pounds,this
wouldbeabout3,000tonsofgoldand30,000tonsofsilver.22:14
"ThesonsofJeduthun;Gedaliah,andZeri,andJeshaiah,Hashabiah,and
Mattithiah,six."Butonlyfivearelisted.25:3
KingDavidcollectstenthousanddrams(ordarics)fortheconstruction
ofthetempleinJerusalem.Thisisespeciallyinterestingsincedarics
werecoinsnamedafterKingDariusIwholivedsomefivehundredyears
afterDavid.29:7
TheactsofDavidaresaidtobefoundinthebooksofSamueltheseer,
Nathantheprophet,andGadtheseer.Weretheselong-lostbooks
supposedtobeintheBible?Ifso,howcouldGodallowthemtobelost?
Ifnot,whydoesGodtellusaboutbooksthatnolongerexist(ifthey
everdid)?29:29
2Chronicles
ThatSolomonwasthewisestandrichestkingtoeverliveisundoubtedly
anexaggeration.Thereforeitisalsoafalseprophecy.1:12
Solomonenlistsahugeworkforce(over150,000men)toconstructasmall
chapel.(See1Kg.6:2wherethedimensionsofthebuildingaregivenas
approximately90feetlong,30feetwide,and45feethigh.)2:2
AhalfmillionsoldiersdieinasingleGod-assistedslaughter.13:16-17
"TheeyesoftheLordruntoandfro..."16:9
Asa,whenhehadafootdisease,wenttophysiciansinsteadofseeking
theLord.Apparently,Goddisapprovesofthosewhoseekmedicalhelp
ratherthan"seekingtheLord."16:12
JehorambegantoreignafterElijahwenttoheaven(2Kg.2:11,8:16),so
howcouldKingJehoramreceivealetterfromhim?21:9,12
Jehoramwas32yearsoldwhenhebegantoreignandhereignedforeight
yearsandthendied(a40yearsold).Afterhisdeath,hisyoungestson
Ahaziahbegantoreignattheageof42(22:1-2).Sotheson(Ahaziah)
wastwoyearsolderthanhisfather!21:20,22:1-2
IfyouareinterestedinlearningmoreaboutManaasseh,read"The
SayingsoftheSeers"--ifyoucanfindit,thatis.33:18-19
"TheLORDhisGodbewithhim,andlethimgoup."Nowhow'sthatfora
strangeending?Actually,thelasttwoversesfrom2Chroniclesare
takenfromthefirstfewversesofEzra.Itjusthappensthatwhoever
decidedtotacktheseverseson(forwhateverreason)forgottofinish
thesentence!36:22-23
Ezra
WhenEzrahearsoftheintermarriages,hetearsuphisclothes,plucks
outhishairandbeard,andsitsdownastonished.9:3
Nehemiah
Nehemiahgetssoupsetthatheshakeshislap.5:13
Nehemiahrebukesthemenformarrying"strangewives."Topunishthemhe
"contendedwiththem,andcursedthem,andsmotecertainofthem,and
pluckedofftheirhair."13:25-27
Job
GodaskswhereSatanhasbeenlately(apparentlyGoddidn'tknow),and
Satanansweredsaying,"Fromwalkingtoandfrointheearth,andfrom
walkingupanddownonit."ThisverseinspiredMarkTwain'sdelightful
"LettersFromtheEarth.".1:7,2:2
GodgivesSatanpoweroverallthatJobpossesses.1:12
GodandSatanplayalittlegamewithJob.GodallowsSatantotorment
Job,justtoseehowhewillreact.2:3-7
Jobaskstheimportantquestion:"Isthereanytasteinthewhiteofan
egg?"6:6
Jobsays"mybreathisstrangetomywife."Minetoo.19:17
"Hisbreastsarefullofmilk."21:24
WhenthingsweregoingwellforJobhewashedhisstepswithbutterand
rockspouredoutriversofoil.29:6
PoorJob's"bowelsboiled."Nowthatdoesn'tsoundpleasant.30:27
Jobisthebrotherofdragons.30:29
"Whocanstaythebottlesofheaven?"Gosh,Idon'tknow.Ididn'teven
knowtherewereanybottlesinheaven.38:37
"Willtheunicornbewillingtoservethee?"Theunicornreferredto
hereisprobablynotthesingle-hornedmythicalcreature,butrathera
wildoxthatwasmistranslatedintheKJV.39:9-10
Biblebelievershaveidentifiedthebehemothasahippopotamus,
dinosaur,orwildebeest.ButmyfavoriteisthenoteintheHarper
CollinsStudyBible:"Iftail(40:17)isnotaeuphemismforthesexual
organ,Behemothseemsinthisrespecttoresembleacrocodile."40:15-24
Iguessthisfire-breathingmonsterissupposedtobeGod.41:14-24
Psalms
Godmadetheheavenswithhisfingers.8:3
Godhaseyelids.11:4
Atheistsarefoolswhoneverdoanythinggood.14:1,53:1
TheearthshakeswheneverGodreallygetsmad.18:7
SmokecomesoutofGod'snoseandfirecomesoutofhismouth.18:8
God'sfeet.18:9
Godridesuponcherubsandcanfly.18:10
"Thefoundationsoftheworldwerediscovered...attheblastofthe
breathofthynostrils."Apparently,then,theearthissetonfirm
foundationsanddoesnotmove--andGodhasnostrils.18:15
Godsavestheauthorofthispsalm"fromthehornsoftheunicorns."He
isaluckyguy--thoseunicornsareviciousbeasts.22:21
GodmakesLebanonandSirion"likeayoungunicorn."29:6
Those"thatseektheLORDshallnotwantanygoodthing."Sothosewho
arepoororhungryjustaren'tseekingGodenough.34:10
Themeekshallinherittheearth."Willtheyreally?Innaturethey
inheritnothing,butdiepainfuldeathsfromdisease,starvation,and
predation.37:11
Wickedpeoplearewickedfrombirth--Godmadethemthatway.Theytell
liesimmediatelyafterbirth(beforetheycaneventalk!).58:3
Accordingtothepsalmist,snailsmelt.Buttheydon't,ofcourse,they
simplyleaveaslimytrailastheymovealong.58:8
They[theheathen]makeanoiselikeadog....Behold,theybelchout
withtheirmouths."ThesearegoodreasonsforGodtokillthem.59:6-7
ThepsalmistpraysthathisenemiesbetormentedandblindedbyGod.He
asksGodto"maketheirloinscontinuallytoshake."69:22-28
Godissostrongthathecanevenbreaktheheadofdragons.74:13
"Andhe[God]smotehisenemiesinthehinderparts."(Hekickedtheir
ass.)78:66
Thepsalmisthasahornthathe'dlikeGodtoerect--"likethehornof
aunicorn."92:10
Proudpeoplehaveheartsthatare"fatasgrease."119:69-70
"TheLORDisthykeeper....Thesunshallnotsmitetheebyday,northe
moonbynight."Sobelieversdon'thavetobotherwithsunscreen.God
willprotectthemfromsunburn,andmoonburntoo.121:5-6
"TohimthatsmoteEgyptintheirfirstborn:forhismercyendures
forever."136:10
God"overthrewPharaohandhishostintheRedsea:forhismercy
endurethforever."136:15
God"smotegreatkings:forhismercyendurethforever."136:17-18
Godisinhell.139:8
"TheLORDisgoodtoall:andhistendermerciesareoverallhis
works."Thenwhydonearlyallanimalsdiepainfuldeathsfrom
starvation,predation,ordiseaselongbeforetheyreachadulthood?
145:9
ThisversesaysthatGodsatisfiesthedesiresofallofhiscreatures.
Butinnaturefewneedsaremetandfewdesiresaresatisfied.Lifeis
short,hard,cruel,andpainfulfornearlyeverylivingthing.145:16
EventhedragonspraisetheLord.148:7
Proverbs
"Leannotuntothineownunderstanding."Don'ttrytounderstandthings;
justacceptwhateverthebibleandyourreligiousleaderstellyou.3:5
Thisproverbtellsustowtotellthegoodfromthebad:Goodpeopleare
theoneswhogetplentytoeat,andwickedaretheoneswhogohungry.
13:25
Whatis"thecandleoftheLord"doingprobingabout"theinwardparts
ofthebelly?"20:27
Don'teatdinnerwithapersonwhohasan"evileye."23:6
Tofollowthisproverbyoumusttreateveryonewithdisrespect.28:21
Ifyouaregreedythenyoumusthavean"evileye."28:22
Oneofthefour"wonderful"thingsis"thewayofamanwithamaid."
(Asasailorandbirdwatcher,though,Ihavetoagreethatthewayan
eaglefliesandashipsailsaretwoofthemostwonderfulthings.)
30:18-19
"Thewringingofthenosebringethforthblood."30:33
Isaiah
God"willhissuntothenfromtheendoftheearth."5:26
"TheLordshallhissforthefly...andforthebee."7:18
Godwillshavemen'sfeet,where"feet"and"hair"arebiblical
euphemismsformalessexualorgansandpubichair,respectively.7:20
Isaiahhassexwithaprophetesswhoconceivesandbearsason.(You
weren'texpectingadaughter,wereyou?)GodthentellsIsaiahtocall
hisnameMathershalalhashbaz.(Ithasaniceringtoit,doesn'tit?)
8:3
Godwill"smitetheearthwiththerodofhismouth,andwiththebreath
ofhislipsheshallslaythewicked."Godmusthavesomeprettybad
breath!11:4
"Thewolfalsoshalldwellwiththelamb...."Iwonderwhatwillbecome
ofthespiders.Willtheybemorefriendlytowardflies?Andwillthe
parasiticwaspsfindanotherwaytofeedtheirlarvae?Orwillthey
continuetofeedoffthelivingbodiesofcaterpillars?11:6,65:25
"Andtheweanedchildshallputhishandonthecockatrice'den."A
cockatriceisaserpent,hatchedfromacock'segg,thatcankillwitha
glance.Theyarerarenowadays.11:8
DragonswillliveinBabylonianpalacesandsatyrswilldancethere.
13:21-22
ThisistheonlyverseinthebiblethatmentionsLucifer.Althoughmost
ChristiansconsiderLucifertobeSatan(thedevil),thereislittle
biblicaljustificationfordoingso.Inthisverse"Lucifer"refersto
thekingofBabylon(Nebuchadrezzar?)andLucifer(thelightbearer)is
alsocalledthe"sonofthemorning"ormorningstar.Theonlyother
personthatisreferredtointhatwayisJesus(Rev.22:16).Doesthis
meanthatLuciferisJesus?14:12
Outoftheserpent'srootshallcomeforthacockatrice,andhisfruit
shallbeafieryflyingserpent."Whateverhappenedtothese
fascinatingbiblicalcreatures?14:29
GodtellsIsaiahtotakeoffallhisclothesandtowanderabout
completelynakedforthreeyearsasa"signandawonder."Inthisway
hewillbejustliketheEgyptiancaptiveswhowillwalkaboutnaked
"withtheirbuttocksuncovered."20:2-5
Tyre"shallcommitfornicationwithallthekingdomsoftheworld,"and
herhireshallbeholinesstotheLord."23:17-18
Godwillpunishtheleviathan("thatcrookedserpent")withhisown
swordandwillkilltheseadragon.2727:1
Godperformsa"marvelousworkandawonder"bydestroyingwisdomand
understanding.29:14
AmongthemanystrangecreaturesmentionedintheBiblethatnolonger
seemtoexististhe"fieryflyingserpent."30:6
"Thelightofthemoonshallbeasthelightofthesun,andthelight
ofthesunshallbesevenfold."Well,thisisoneprophecythatwill
nevercometrue.Sincethemoonhasnolightofitsown,butonly
reflectsthatofthesun,itcouldnevershinelikethesun.Andthesun
willnot,atleastnotwhiletherearehumanstoseeit,shine7times
asbrightasitdoesnow.30:26
God'slips,tongue,andbreatharedescribedforus.30:27-28
Godhasbadbreath,"likeastreamofbrimstone.30:33
"Andtheunicornsshallcomedownwiththem."34:7
Dragonsandsatyrsmaynotseemrealtoyou,buttheydidtotheauthor
oftheseverses.34:13
AnangelofGodkills185,000men."Andwhenthey[thosekilledbythe
angel?]aroseearlyinthemorning,behold,theywerealldeadmen."
37:36
Godwill"goforthasamightyman"whocriesandroars,and"willcry
likeatravailingwoman."Afterhetiresofroaringandcryinghe'll
"destroyanddevour."Whataguy.42:13
EventhedragonshonorGod.43:20
Somearetransgressors"fromthewomb."Buthowcananewbornbaby
transgress?48:8
Godshowsoffhisbarearm.52:10
Badpeoplehatchpoisonouscockatriceeggs.Whoevereatstheeggswill
die,andwhentheeggsarecrushedaviperhatchesoutofthem.59:5
"Thoushalt...suckthebreastofkings."60:12
Jeremiah
GodgivesJudah"abillofdivorce."3:8
"Behold,theirearisuncircumcised."6:10
Godsays:"Iwillsendserpents,cockatricesamongyou,whichwillnot
becharmed,andtheyshallbiteyou."(Acockatriceis"alegendary
serpentwithadeadlyglancesaidtobehatchedbyareptilefroma
cock'seggonadunghill."--Webster'sDictionary)8:17
GodwillmakeJerusalem"adenofdragons."9:11
"Forthecustomsofthepeoplearevain:foronecuttethatreeoutof
theforest...withtheaxe.Theydeckitwithsilverandwithgold."
SoundslikeGoddoesn'tmuchlikeChristmastrees.10:3-4
WhenGodgetsangry,theearthtrembles.10:10
Judahwillbecomeadesolatedenofdragons.10:22
GodgivesJeremiahsomedivineinstructionsaboutagirdle.Hetellshim
nottowashit,buttohideitinarock.Jeremiahdoesashe'stold.
But,alas,whenhegoestoretrieveit,itwasruined.Darn!13:1-7
Thewildasses"snuffedupthewindlikedragons."14:6
Godtellsusnottotrustanyone,notevenourfamilyorfriends,by
saying:"Cursedbethemanthattrustethinman."17:5
Godsayshewilldosomucheviltothepeoplethatwhoeverhearsofit
willhavetheirearstingle.19:3
AndtheplaguesofGod'swrathwillmakeeveryonehiss.19:7-9
Godswearstohimself.22:5
Godisreallygettingintoallofthiskilling.Heroars,hemightily
roars,andheshouts.25:30
Godwillsendhisusualblessingsuponhispeople:"thesword,the
famine,andthepestilence."He"willmakethemlikevilefigs,that
cannotbeeaten,theyaresoevil."29:17-18
Godswearstohimself.49:13,51:14
JeremiahpredictsthathumanswillneveragainliveinHazor,butwill
bereplacedbydragons.Butpeoplestilllivethereanddragonshave
neverbeenseen.49:33
Ezekiel
EzekielexperienceswhatsomesayisthefirstrecordedUFOsighting.
1:4
Ezekielseescreaturesthathavefourfaces(human,lion,ox,and
eagle),fourwings,andstraightfeetwithcalf'ssoles.Well,maybe
he'llfeelbetterinthemorning.1:5-10
EzekielseesGod'sloins.1:27
GodtellsEzekieltoeatabookandto"fillhisbowels"withit.He
does,andfindsittobeassweetashoney.2:9,3:1-3
GodtellsEzekieltobeboundbyropesandthenhemakesEzekiel's
tonguesticktotheroofofhismouth.Howthisissupposedtohelp
spreadthewordofGodisanyone'sguess.3:24-26
GodmakesEzekiellayonhisrightsidefor390days,andthenonhis
leftsideforanother40days."Andthoushaltnotturntheefromone
sidetoanother,tillthouhastendedthedays."I'llbethehadsome
killerbedsoresafterthat!4:4-8
GodtellsEzekieltoeatbarleycakesthataremadewith"thedungthat
comethoutofman."(Yum!)4:12
Godtrades"cow'sdungforman'sdung"andthenhetellsEzekieltomake
breadoutofthecow'sdung.4:15
GodtellsEzekieltoshavehisheadandbeard,dividethecuthairinto
thirds,burnoneportion,smitethesecondportionaboutwithaknife,
andscatterthethirdinthewind.5:1-3
Godmakeshispresenceknownbykillingpeoplewithfamine,disease,and
war.6:7-14
ToEzekieltheearthisflatandhasfourcorners.7:2
GodstandsonawallholdingaplumblinewhilehetalkstoAmos.7:7
EzekielgetstoseeGod'sloinsagain.(See1:27forthefirsttime.)
8:2-3
Ezekielseesbodies,backs,hands,wings,andwheelsthatwere"fullof
eyesroundabout."10:12
Godgetsmadatawallandsays,"ThuswillIaccomplishmywrathupon
thewall.".13:15
Godlikesneitherwomannorpillows.Hesays,"Woetothewomanthatsew
pillows...Behold,Iamagainstyourpillows."13:18-21
Godsays,"ForIhavenopleasureinthedeathofhimthatdieth."
That'sfunny,becauseasmuchkillingashedoesinthisbookandinthe
wholeBible,you'dthinkhemustbegettingsomekicksoutkilling
people.18:32
God"willcoverthesunwithacloud,andthemoonshallnotgiveher
light."ToEzekiel,thesunisjustalittlelightthatcanbecovered
withacloud,andthemoonproducesitsownlight.32:7
God'sgotahardcoregrudgeagainstthe"uncircumcised."32:21-32
Thelegboneisconnectedtothethighbone...37:7
GodshowsEzekielhowtojointwostickstogether.37:15-17
Godsaysthathewillgetsodarnedangrythathisfurywillcomeupin
hisfaceandthateventhefish,birds,beasts,andbugswillshakewhen
theyseehim.Godwillthrowatantrum,topplingeverywalland
mountain.38:18-20
Apparently,ifapriesthasbeeninthetemplechattingwithGod,some
ofGod's"holiness"canruboffontothepriest.And,sinceGoddoesn't
wantjustanyonegettingholdtothis"holiness,"thepriesthasto
changeclothes.44:19
Daniel
Nebuchadnezzarbuiltastatueofgoldsixtycubitshighandsixcubits
wide.Takingacubittobe18inchesandassumingthedepthtoalsobe
sixcubits,thiswouldgiveatotalvolumeof270cubicyards--which
wouldhavebeenmorethanallofthegoldthatKingNebuchadnezzar
possessed,andprobablymorethanallofthegoldinallofthekingdoms
oftheworldatthattime.3:1
Nebuchadnezzareatsgrass,letshishairgrowlikeeaglefeathersand
hisnailslikebirdclaws.Ofcourse,thereisnorecordinsecular
historythatNebuchadnezzarsufferedanysuchstrangesickness.4:32-33
Adetachedhandwritesuponthewall,andwhenthekingseesit"the
jointsofhisloinswereloosed,andhiskneessmoteoneagainstthe
other."5:5-6
Danielisliterally"TouchedByAnAngel."10:16
Hosea
GodtellsHoseatocommitadultery,saying"take...awifeofwhoredoms
andchildrenofwhoredoms"becausethelandhas"committedgreat
whoredom."SoHoseadidasGodcommandedand"took"awifenamedGomer.
1:2-3
Godgetsjealouswhenwomenwearjewelryandpursuerelationshipswith
othermen.2:13
BecauseoftheIsraelites'disobedience,thelandmourns,andallthe
animalsaredying.4:3
God,theall-knowing,didn'tknowabouttheprincesthattheIsraelites
made.8:4
Godcanroarlikealion.11:10
Godwillriphumansapartandtheneatthemlikealion.13:7-8
Joel
TheanimalsareperplexedandcryouttoGodafterhetormentsthemby
burningtheirfoodanddryinguptherivers.1:18-20
"ThedayoftheLORDcometh,foritisnighathand."Iseveryreally
baddaythe"dayoftheLord"?Andisitalways"nighathand"?2:1
GodsayshewillrepayIsraelforthedamagethelocustscaused--which
hesent!Andtheywill"praisethenameoftheLord."2:25-26
"Thesunshallbeturnedintodarkness,andthemoonintoblood."These
"signs"werealotmoreimpressivebeforethecausesofsolarandlunar
eclipseswereunderstood.2:31
TheLordwillroarandtheheavensandearthwillshake.3:16
Amos
Thedivinepyromaniacthreatensto"sendfireunto"Hazael,Gaza,Teman,
Rabbah,andMoab.1:4-2:2
Godpredictsthat"amanandhisfatherwillgoinuntothesamemaid."
2:7
OnthedayofGod'swrath,bravemen"shallfleeawaynaked."2:16
GodafflictstheIsraeliteswithhunger,drought,thirst,blight,
plaguesandmore.Andhewonderswhytheydon'tturntohim?4:6-9
Godsendsthepestilence,killsyoungmenwiththesword,andmakesthe
"stinkofyourcampstocomeupuntoyournostrils."AndyetGodstill
wonderswhytheIsraelitesdon'tturntohim.4:10
ManyChristianslookforwardtothe"dayoftheLord,"butaccordingto
theseverses,theyshouldn't.5:18-20
"Woeto"musicians.6:1,5
GodstandsonawallholdingaplumblinewhilehetalkstoAmos.7:7
AmosseesGodstandingonthealtar.9:1
Godwillkill"thelastofthemwiththesword,"andanythattryto
escapebydivingtothebottomoftheseawillbebitten,atGod's
command,byaserpent.Godwillsethis"eyesuponthemforevil,not
forgood."9:1-4
Obadiah
Godspreadsrumors,destroyswisemenandunderstanding,andslaughters
thehouseofEsau.1
Jonah
JonahescapesfromtheomnipresentgodbyfleeingtoTarshish.1:3
ThesailorsdeterminethatJonahisthecauseofthestormbycasting
lots.1:7
Jonahbelievesthatbythrowinghimselfintothesea,thestormwilldie
down.Evenmoreabsurdisthatitworked.1:12-15
Godmakes"agreatfish"toswallowJonah.AndJonahstayedinthe
fish'sbellyforthreedaysandthreenights.1:17
Jonahsaysalittleprayerfromthefish'sbelly.2:1
Godtalkstothefish,anditvomitsoutJonahupondryland.2:10
EveryoneinNineveh(pop.120,000)turnedtoGod?Jonahmustbeonehell
ofapreacher!3:5
Godwantsthe"beasts"tocoverthemselveswithsackclothand"cry
mightilyuntoGod."3:8
GodasksJonah,"Doyouhaveanyreasontobeangry?"What?Threedays
inafish'sbellyisn'tenough?4:4
GodpreparesagourdtoshadeJonah'shead.Thenhepreparesawormto
destroythegourd.Whatacleverguy!4:6-7
GodarguesforthesparingofNinevehbysayingthey"cannotdiscern
betweentheirrighthandandtheirlefthand."So,Godsparesthem
becausethey'restupid?4:11
Micah
Godwill"wailandhowl"and"gostrippedandnaked."1:8
Micahsays"woe"tothosethatdeviseevilin2:1,butonlytwoverses
later,Godsaysheisdevisingevilagainst"thisfamily!"
Micahsayssomeprophetsareplayingtothepeople'sdesiresbyonly
prophesyinggoodthings,likewineand"strongdrink."IguessJudah
likedtopartyinthosedays.2:11
SomeofGod'sprophetstelllies.Godsaysthattheybite(withtheir
teeth).3:5
Goddaresask,"WhathaveIdoneuntothee?andwhereinhaveIwearied
thee?"Ha!WheredoIbegin?!We'llstartwiththeFlood,there'sthe
famineinIIKings8:1,KingDavid'sdeadlycensusinIChronicles21:7
andmany,manymore.Ifyouwanttoreadagoodbitofthemcheckout
thelistofInjustices.6:3
Nahum
Godisjealous,getsfurious,andtakesvengeanceonhisadversaries.1:2
Themountainsquake,thehillsmelt,andtheearthburns--allbecause
ofGod.1:5
Thereis"muchpaininallloins."2:10
Godwill"discoverthyskirtsuponthyface,...showthenationsthy
nakedness"and"willcastabominablefilthuponthee."3:4-6
Habakkuk
Godhas"hornscomingoutofhishand."3:4
"Beforehim[God]wentthepestilence,andburningcoalsathisfeet."
3:5
Zephaniah
God"willpunishtheprinces,andtheking'schildren,andallsuchas
areclothedwithstrangeapparel."1:8
Goddoesn'thavenight-vision,soheneedscandleswhenhecomesto
punishthesepeoplethatsay,"TheLORDwillnotdogood,neitherwill
hedoevil":atheists,agnostics,freethinkers,etc.1:12
Haggai
Godhuffs,andhepuffs,andheblowsthehousedown!1:9
In"alittlewhile"God"willshaketheheavens,andtheearth,andthe
sea,andthedryland."2:6
Godclaimsallthesilverandgoldforhimself.2:8
Becarefulnottoletanyholyfleshtouchanyfoodorwine,becauseif
youdoyourfleshwon'tbeholyanymore.2:12
GodbroughtblightandhailupontheIsraelites,andhe'smadbecause
theydon'tturntohim?Whatthehelldidheexpect?2:17
Zechariah
God'shorsemanpatrolstheearthonredcoloredhorses.1:8-11
Beginningwiththisverse,Zechariahis"TouchedByAnAngel"formuch
ofthefirstfewchapters.1:9
Quieteveryone!God'stryingtosleep.Nowyou'vedoneit.He's
awake.2:13
So,Godsays,"Godrebukethee,OSatan?"Don'tyouhateitwhenpeople
refertothemselvesinthethirdperson?3:2
Godhaseyesthat"runtoandfrothroughthewholeearth."4:10
Zechariahseesa30footflyingscrollthatburnsdownthehousesof
thievesandliars.5:1
Godgetsjealouswithgreatjealousyandfury.8:2
Godsayshe'llhissforthem.10:8
Godhasasoul?And,itloathedtheseshepherds?11:8
Godwill"goforthandfight"with"hisfeet"onthemountofOlives.
14:3
Malachi
"Behold,Iwillcorruptyourseed,andspreaddunguponyourfaces."2:3
Godgetstiredofourwhining.2:17
Godcomplainsthatwearerobbinghimbynotgivinghimhispropercut
intithes.3:8
Matthew
ThegospelofMatthewbeginswithaboringgenealogylikethatweare
toldtoavoidin1Tim.1:4("Neithergiveheedtofablesandendless
genealogies")andTit.3:9("Avoidfoolishquestionsandgenealogies").
1:1-17
Judah"wentinunto"hisdaughter-in-law,Tamar,whowasdisguisedasa
prostitute.SheconceivedandborePharez,anancestorofJesus.
(Gen.38:2-29)1:3
Thereare29generationslistedfromDavidtoJesusinMatthew's
genealogy,whileLuke's(3:23-31)has43.ExceptforDavidatoneend
andJesusattheother,thereareonlythreenamesinthetwoliststhat
arethesame.1:6-16
Johnhasadarnedgoodpointinv.14.IfJesusisthesinlessSonofGod
andallthat,thenshouldn'tJesusbebaptizingJohninsteadofthe
reverse?Isn'tbaptismsupposedtoforgivesinsandbeasignof
repentance?Ifso,thenwhywouldJesusneedtobebaptized?Andwhat
theheckis"itbecomethustofulfilallrighteousness"supposedto
mean?3:15
TheSonofGodisledbytheSpiritofGodtobetemptedbythedevil.
4:1
"Butifthineeyebeevil...."Howcananeyebeevil?6:23
"Beholdthefowlsoftheair...."JesussaysthatGodfeedsthem.But,
ifso,hedoesonehellofalousyjobatit.Mostbirdsdiebefore
leavingthenest,andthefewwhomanagetoflysoondiepainfuldeaths
ofstarvation,predation,ordisease.IfGodiscaringforthem,pray
thathestaysawayfromyou.6:26
ThedevilsconfessthatJesusistheSonofGod.Accordingto1Jn.4:15
("WhosoevershallconfessthatJesusistheSonofGod,Goddwellethin
him,andheinGod"),then,Goddwellsinthedevilsandthedevilsin
God.8:29
AfterJesuskillstheherdofpigsbysendingdevilsintothem,the
"wholecity"askshimtoleave.Idon'tblamethem.8:34
Jesusgiveshisdisciples"poweragainstuncleanspirits,tocastthem
out,andtohealallmannerofsickness."10:1
Jesustellshisdisciplestoperformalltheusualtricks:"healthe
sick,cleansethelepers,raisethedead,andcastoutdevils."10:8
Godisinvolvedinthedeathofeverysparrow.Heseestoitthatthey
eachdiepainfuldeathsofstarvation,predation,ordisease.Butdon't
worry.Godwilldothesameforyou.(Hethinksthathumansareworth
muchmorethansparrows.)10:29.31
"Whosoevershalldenymebeforemen,himwillIalsodenybeforemy
Fatherwhichisinheaven."Accordingtothegospels(Mt.26:69-75,
Mk.14:66-72,Lk.22:55-62,Jn.15:18-27),PeterdeniedJesusthreetimes
beforemen.ThereforeJesusmusthavedeniedPeterbeforeGod.10:33
JohntheBaptistisstillnotsureaboutJesus(he'sinprisonandis
soontodie).Hesendshisdisciplestoask,"Artthouhethatshould
come,ordowelookforanother?"Well,ifheisn'tsureafterseeing
andhearingtheeventsatJesus'baptism,thenhowcananyoneelsebe?
11:3
JohntheBaptistwasthegreatestmanevertolive(evengreaterthan
Jesus),but"hethatisleastinthekingdomofheavenisgreaterthan
he."11:11
JesusbelievedintheliteraltruthofthefishstoryinJonah.12:40
Jesuspredictsthathewillbe"intheheartoftheearth"forthree
daysandthreenights.Ifbythishemeantthathewouldbeinthetomb
forthreedaysandthreenights,theneitherhewasmistakenorthe
gospelsareinerror.Becauseaccordingtothegospels(thisisoneof
thefewthingstheyallseemtoagreeon),Jesuswasinthetombfor
onlyonedayandtwonights.12:40
Whenanuncleanspirit(whateverthatmaybe)leavesaperson'sbody,he
goesouttofindanother.Notfindingany,hecomesbackwithseven
otherspiritsmorewickedthanhimselfandrepossessestheperson.
12:43-45
Jesusisrejectedbythosewhoknowhimthebest--thepeopleofhis
hometownofNazareth.13:55-57
HerodthoughtJesuswasaresurrectedJohntheBaptist.Apparently,it
wasacommonopinionatthetime(SeeMt.16.13-14,Mk.6:14-15,8:27-28,
Lk.9:7-8,18-19).IfsomanyofJesus'contemporariescouldbesoeasily
fooledregardingJohntheBaptist,whatdoesthisdotothecredibility
ofJesus'resurrection?14:2
Thediscipleswonderwheretheywillgetthebreadtofeedfour
thousand.Buttheyshouldknowbynow,sinceJesusjustdidthesame
trickin14:14-21.Thesestoriesareprobablytheresultoftwooral
versionsofthesamefictitiousstory.15:33
OpinionsweredividedregardingtheidentityofJesus,butmanythought
thathewastherisenJohntheBaptist.Thefactthatpeoplecouldbeso
easilyfooledregardingtheBaptist's"resurrection"castsdoubtonthe
resurrectionofJesus.16:14
WhenPeterexpressedhisdismaywhenJesusannouncedhiscomingdeath,
Jesussaidtohim"Gettheebehindme,Satan"--afinewaytoaddress
hisholiness,thefirstpope!16:23
JesussaysthatElijah,whomhebelievesisJohntheBaptist,willcome
and"restoreallthings."ButwhatthingsdidJohntheBaptistrestore?
17:11
Ifyourfaithisgreatenough,youcanmovemountainsaround.17:20
JesustellsPetertopayhistaxeswithacointhathe'llfindinthe
mouthofthefirstfishthathecatchesfromthesea.17:27
"Therebeeunuchs,whichhavemadethemselveseunuchsforthekingdomof
heaven'ssake.Hethatisabletoreceiveit,lethimreceiveit."
Dangerouswordsfromaguywhorecommendscuttingofbodypartsifthey
causeyoutosin(Mt.5:29-30,Mt.18:8-9,Mk.9:43-48).Itmightmake
someonecastratehimselfsothathecouldbeoneofthe144,000male
virgins,whoalonewillmakeittoheaven(Rev.14:3-4).19:12
Jesusliststhe"tencommandments,"buthislisthasonlysix,andthe
sixthisnotoneoftheten.ThecommandmentsgivenbyJesusare
secular,notreligious,innature.19:18
Richpeopledon'tgotoheaven.ForasJesussays,"Itiseasierfora
cameltogothroughtheeyeofaneedle,thanforarichmantoenter
intothekingdomofGod.19:23
Jesustellshisapostles,"yeshallsituponthetwelvethrones,judging
thetwelvetribesofIsrael."IwonderwhichtribeJudasisjudging?
19:28
MatthewhasJesusrideintoJerusalemsittingonbothanassandacolt
(musthavetakensomepractice!).21:5-7
Ifyourfaithisgreatenough,thenyoucanmovemountainsaround.And
whateveryouaskforyourwillreceive.(OLord,won'tyabuymea
Mercedes-Benz?)21:21-22
"LetthemwhichbeinJudeafleeintothemountains."Why?Can'tGod
findandkillthemthere,too?24:16
Jesussaystherewillbe"falseChrists"thatwill"showgreatsignsand
wonders."Well,JesushimselfaccordingtoActs2:22fitsthis
description.24:24
Jesustellshisdisciplestoeathisbodyanddrinkhisblood.26:26-28
Thephrase"untothisday"showsthatthegospelofMatthewwaswritten
longaftertheeventsitdescribes.27:8,28:15
"Andthegraveswereopened;andmanybodiesofthesaints"aroseand
walkedaround,appearingtomeanyinJerusalemshortlyafterJesusdied.
27:53-54
EvensomeofJesus'apostlesdoubtedthattheallegedlyrisenChristwas
reallyJesus.Welliftheyweren'tsure,howcouldweeverbe?28:17
Mark
"Uncleanspirits"confessthatJesusChristiscomeintheflesh.If1
Jn.4:2istrue,thenthese"uncleanspirits"areofGod.1:23-24
Jesusrebukesthe"uncleanspirit"forsayingthatJesusis"theholy
oneofGod."1:25
Jesuscastsoutmoredevilsandtellsthemnottorevealwhoheis.
1:32,34
More"uncleanspirits"confessthatJesusis"thesonofGod."1Jn.4:2
saysthatallsuchspiritsareofGod.3:11
Althoughthedisciplesweren'tsureaboutJesusevenafterhisalleged
resurrection,the"uncleanspirits"knewthathewas"thesonofGod."
ButJesustoldthemnottotellanyone.3:11-12
Jesusgiveshisapostlesthepowertohealsicknessand"castout
devils."3:15
Jesus'friendsthinkheisinsane.3:21
ThescribesthinkthatJesuscastsoutdevilsbythepoweroftheprince
ofdevils,Beelzebub.3:22
Amanpossessedwith"anuncleanspirit"recognizesJesusasthesonof
God.Accordingto1Jn.4:2,15,thismanmusthavebeen"ofGod."5:7
Jesusisrejectedbythosewhoknewhimthebest,thepeoplefromhis
hometownofNazareth."Andhecoulddotherenomightywork."6:2-5
TherewasmuchdisagreementandconfusionaboutJesus'identity.Some
thoughthewasElijahoroneoftheprophets.Andsome(likeHerodin
thisverse)thoughthewastherisenJohntheBaptist,eventhoughJohn
hadjustrecentlydiedandthepeoplemusthaveknownwhathelooked
like.6:14-15
Watchoutforthat"evileye."7:22
Jesusputshisfingersinadeafman'sears,thenspitsandtouchesthe
deafman'stongue.7:33
Thedisciplesoughttoknowbynowwheretheycangetenoughfoodto
feedafewthousand.Afterall,Jesushadjustdoneitbefore(6:34-44).
This"doublet"wasprobablytheresultoftwooraltraditionsofthe
sameevent.8:4
Jesusspitsonablindman'seyes.Whydon'ttelevangelistsspiton
peoplewhenhealingthem?8:23
TherewerevariousopinionsabouttheidentityofJesus.Somethoughthe
wasElijahoroneoftheprophets.AndmanythoughthewasarisenJohn
theBaptist.Withcredulitylikethatjustaboutanyonecouldlaterbe
passedoffastherisenChrist.8:27-28
JesusimpliesthatheisneithergoodnorGod.10:18
Jesussaysthatrichpeoplecannotgotoheaven.For"itiseasierfora
cameltogothroughtheeyeofaneedle,thanforarichmantoenter
intothekingdomofGod.10:25
Ifyoudo"notdoubtinyourheart"youcancastamountainintothesea
(orkillafigtree,orwhatever).11:23-24
"Inthosedays...themoonshallnotgiveherlight,andthestarsof
heavenshallfall."Ofcoursethisisnonsense.Thebillionsofstars
willneverfalltoearthandthemoondoesnotproduceitsownlight.
13:24-25
Jesussaysthatheavenwon'tlastforever.13:31
Jesustellshisdisciplestoeathisbodyanddrinkhisblood.14:22-24
JesusfirstappearstoMaryMagdalene"outofwhomhehadcastseven
devils."Nowthere'sareliablewitnessforyou.16:9
ThetruefollowersofChristroutinelyperformthefollowingtricks:1)
castoutdevils,2)speakintongues,3)takeupserpents,4)drink
poisonswithoutharm,and5)curethesickbytouchingthem.16:17-18
Luke
Howcouldanomniscientbeing"increaseinwisdom"?AndhowcouldGod
increase"infavourwithGod."?2:52
InLuke'sgospel,GodaddressesJesusdirectlysaying,"Thouartmy
belovedson."ButMatthew(3:17)hasGodspeaktothosewitnessing
Jesus'baptism,bysaying:"Thisismybelovedson."Whatevertheexact
wording,itisstrangethatafterwitnessingthiseven,JohntheBaptist
isstillunsureaboutJesus(Mt.11:2-3,Lk.7:19).3:22
ThedeviltakesJesustothetopofamountainandshowshim"allthe
kingdomsoftheworld."Iguesstheworldwasflatinthosedays.4:5
Jesushealspeoplethatare"vexedwithuncleanspirits."6:18
Invitesomeonethathashityoutodoitagain,andifsomeonesteals
fromyouofferthemsomethingadditional.Don'tturndownanyborrowers
(DoChristianbankersfollowthisone?),andwhenyouloansomething
don'taskforitback.6:29-30
JohntheBaptist,whoisabouttodie,isstillunsureaboutJesus.He
sendshisdisciplestoJesusasking:"Artthouhethatshouldcome?or
lookweforanother?"Well,ifhe'snotsure,howcananyoneelsebe?
7:19
Jesuscuresthosewith"evilspirits."7:21
JesusremovessevendevilsfromthebodyofMaryMagdalene.8:2
Jesusgiveshisdisciples"powerandauthorityoveralldevils."9:1
TherewerevariousopinionsabouttheidentityofJesus.Somethoughthe
wasElijahoroneoftheprophets;othersthathewastherisenJohnthe
Baptist.Withsuchacredulouspopulace,isitsurprisingthatsome
peoplewouldlaterclaim,andprobablyevenbelieve,thattheyhadseen
therisenChrist?9:7-8
Jesusfalselypredictsthatsomeofhislistenerswouldlivetoseehim
returnandestablishthekingdomofGod.9:27
Epilepsyiscausedbydevils.9:39-42
Thedisciplesarethrilledthat"eventhedevilsaresubject"tothem.
TothisJesusreplies,"Igiveuntoyoupowertotreadonserpentsand
scorpions...andnothingshallbyanymeanshurtyou."10:17-19
JesusthanksGodthatonlytheignorantandfoolishwilllistentohim.
10:21
Peoplewhocannotspeakarepossessedwithdevils.11:14
Jesussaysitisimpossibletogetridofuncleanspirits.Ifyoumanage
toevictone,he'llsoonreturnwithsevenothers"morewickedthan
himself"andyou'llbeworseoffthanyouwerebefore.Sojustlearnto
livewithwhateveruncleanspiritsthatarecurrentlypossessingyou.
11:24-26
Jesusthinksthateyescanbeevil.11:34
Jesuscallshiscriticsfools,thusmakinghimself,byhisownstandards
(Mt.5:22),worthyof"hellfire."11:40
"Thatwhichishighlyesteemedamongmen[love,wisdom,honesty,
courage,etc.]isanabominationinthesightofGod."16:15
JesusbelievesthestoryofNoah'sark.Iguessyoushouldtoo.17:27
JesusalsobelievesthestoryaboutNoah'sfloodandSodom's
destruction.Hesays,"eventhusshallitbeinthedaythesonofman
isrevealed...RememberLot'swife."ThistellsusaboutJesus'
knowledgeofscienceandhistory,andhissenseofjustice.17:29-32
Richpeoplecannotgotoheaven."Foritiseasierforacameltogo
throughaneedle'seye,thanforarichmantoenterintothekingdomof
God."18:25
DeadpeoplehavenoGod.20:38
JesussaysthateveryonewillhateChristians,andsomeChristianswill
bekilled,yetnoChristianwillbeharmedinanyway.21:16-18
Jesustellsthe"goodthief"thattheywillbothbeinheaven"today."
Buthowcanthatbesinceit'sonlyFridayand,accordingtothe
gospels,JesuslaydeadinthetombFridaynightandalldaySaturday.
23:43
WhenMaryMagdaleneandtheotherwomengavetheiraccountofthe
resurrectiontotheapostles"theirwordsseemedtothemasidletales,
andtheybelievedthemnot."24:11
TwoofJesus'disciplesfailedtorecognizehimafterhissupposed
resurrection.Maybethatwasbecausethepersontheysawwasn'tJesus.
24:16
John
JohnbaptizesJesusanddeclareshimtobe"theSonofGod."Butlater,
asheisabouttobebeheaded,Johnisnolongersurewhattothink
aboutJesus.Sohesendshisowndisciplestoask,"Artthouhethat
shouldcome,ordowelookforanother?"(Mt.11:3)Well,ifheisn't
sureafterseeingandhearingtheeventsatJesus'baptism,thenhowcan
anyoneelsebe?1:29-35
Whoeverentersapoolafteritisstirredupbyangelswillbecuredof
"whatsoeverdiseasehehad."5:4
JesusclaimsthatMoseswroteabouthim.Where?It'sashamehedidn't
giveuschapterandverse.5:46
ThepeopleofNazareth,whoknewJesuswell,didnotbelieveinhim.
6:42
Jesussayswemusteathisfleshanddrinkhisbloodifwewanttohave
eternallife.6:53-56
Jesuschose"adevil"foranapostle.Ohwell,everyonemakesmistakes.
6:70
EvenJesus'familydidn'tbelieveinhim.7:5
Jesusfalselyaccusespeopleoftryingtokillhim.Butthepeoplehe
accusessaytohim,"Thouhastadevil:whogoethabouttokillthee?"
7:19-20
"Webenotbornoffornication"--implyingthatJesuswas.8:41
AfterJesusmakesthefoolishclaimthatthosewhobelieveinhimwill
neverdie,hislistenersreply,"nowweknowthatthouhastadevil."
8:52
Jesusspitsontheground,mixeshisspitwiththedirt,andrubsthe
muddyspitonablindman'seyes.9:6
"Allthatevercamebeforemearethievesandrobbers."Allthe
prophets,kings,andheroesoftheOldTestament;everyonethatever
livedbeforehimwasathiefandarobber.10:8
Jesussaysthatwhateveryouaskeitherhimorhisfatherforyouwill
receive.Nowhow'sthatforabiglie?14:13-14,15:7,15:16,16:23
Peteriscaughtfishingnaked.21:7
Acts
Thosewhoheardtheapostlesspeakingintonguesthoughttheywere
drunk.Maybetheywere.2:13
Petersaysthattheirstrangebehavior(speakingintongues,etc.)was
tobeexpectedsincetheywerelivingin"thelastdays."2:17
Jesusdidalittletimeinhell.2:31
Philipmade"uncleanspirits"screamastheyleftthebodiesofthe
peopletheypossessed.8:7
PeterhasadreaminwhichGodshowhim"wildbeasts,andcreeping
things,andfowls."Thevoice(God's?)says,"Rise,Peter:killand
eat."10:10-13
PetersaysthatJesushealed"allthatwereoppressedofthedevil."
(IncludingJudas?)10:38
Peterdescribesthevisionthathehadinthelastchapter(10:10-13).
Allkindsofbeasts,creepingthings,andfowlsdropdownfromthesky
inabigsheet,andavoice(God's,Satan's?)tellshimto"Arise,
Peter;slayandeat."11:5-6
Paulmeets"acertaindamselpossessedwithaspiritofdivination."
16:16
ThephilosophersinAthensconsideredPaula"babbler"whoworshipped
strangegods.17:18
Nowthisisfunny.Paul,aguywhoconvertedtoChristianitybecausehe
heardvoices,callstheGreekstoodarnedsuperstitious.Talkaboutthe
potcallingthekettleblack!17:22
"TheschoolofTyrannus"istheonlyschoolthatisevermentionedin
theBible.19:9
SickpeoplewerecuredbytouchingthehandkerchieforapronofPaul.
Andtheevilspiritswhenoutofthem."19:12
EvilspiritsknowJesusandPaul.Theyalsojumponpeopleandstrip
themoftheirclothes.19:15-16
Agreatmultitudecryout"allwithonevoice"fortwohourssaying,
"GreatisDianaoftheEphesians."19:34
Eutychuswasthefirstcasualtyofmanylongboringsermons.20:9
Paul,that"pestilentfellow,"isdescribedasa"ringleaderofthesect
ofNazarenes."24:5
Paulisbittenbyapoisonoussnakeandyetlives.The"barbarians"who
wereshipwreckedwithhimthoughthemustbeamurderersincehewas
bitten;butthentheychangedtheirmindsandthoughthimtobeagod
sincehedidn'tdie.28:3-6
TheJewsofRomerefertoPaul'sreligionasasect.28:22
Romans
Paulaskstheverygoodquestion:"Isthereunrighteousnesswhotaketh
vengeance[uponinnocentpeople]?"Theobviousanswertothisis,yes.
Paulthenquicklyadds,"Ispeakasaman."Whatelsecouldhespeakas?
Adonkeyoragod,perhaps?3:5
PaulsaysthatAbrahamneededGod'shelptofatherIsaacwhenhewas100
yearsold.ButAbraham,whenhewasevenolder,managedtofathersix
morechildrenwithanewwifewithoutanydivineassistance(Gen.21:2,
25:1-2).4:19
ThereisnothinggoodaboutPaul.7:18
Paulsaysthateveryone,eveninhisday,hadthegospelpreachedto
them.EventheNativeAmericans,Asians,PacificIslanders?10:18
Paulsaysthatonlywimpsarevegetarians.14:2
1Corinthians
PoorPaulisconfused.Firsthesaysthathebaptizednoone.Well,
exceptforCrispusandGaius.AndmaybeStephanusandhishousehold.He
can'trememberifhedidittoanyoneelse.1:14-16
Godsavesfoolsandispleasedwiththeirfoolishness.1:21
Godhas"chosenthefoolishthingsoftheworld."1:27
IfyouaretobeagoodChristianyoumusttrytoknownothing.2:2-5
Paulsaysthe"princesofthisworld"crucifiedJesus.Butaccordingto
thegospels,therewerenoprincesinvolvedwithJesus'execution.2:8
Paulestablisheshisowncultbytellingotherstofollowhim.4:16
Pauldeliverssomeone'sbodytoSatansothathisfleshcanbedestroyed
andhissoulsaved.5:5
Abelievershouldnotsueanotherbelieverincourt.6:6-7
Paulasksifheshould"takethemembersofChrist,andmakethem
membersofanharlot?"Hefurtherasks,"Knowyenotthathewhichis
joinedtoanharlotisonebody?"Ididn'tknowthat.6:15-16
"ButtotherestspeakI,nottheLord."Really?Sothisstuffisin
scripturebutisnotinspiredbyGod?7:12
Paulsaysthosewhoarecircumcisedshould"notbecomeuncircumcised."
(It'sprettyhardtoundo.)7:18
Slavesshouldnotdesiretheirfreedom.7:21
"NowconcerningvirginsIhavenocommandmentoftheLord:yetIgivemy
judgment."SothisisjustPaul'sopinionandisnotdivinelyinspired
scripture?7:25
Paul,likeJesusandtheotherNewTestamentwriters,expectstheendto
comesoon."Thetimeisshort."Sothere'snotimeforsex,anyway,
sincetheworldwillbeendingsoon.7:29
Don'tbeanidolater.Ifyoudo,Godwillmakeyousitdowntoeatand
thenriseuptoplay.10:7
IfyoutemptChrist(HowcouldyoutemptChrist?),you'llwilldiefrom
snakebites.10:9
Ifyoumurmur,you'llbedestroyedbythedestroyer(God).10:10
Gentilessacrificetodevils.Ifyouhavegentilefriends,thenyouare
friendswithdevils.10:20
InGalatians(1:10)Paulsays,"IfIyetpleasedmen,Ishouldnotbe
theservantofChrist."Inthisversehesays,"Ipleaseallmeninall
things."ThereforePaulisnottheservantofChrist.10:33
Itisunnaturalandshamefulforamantohavelonghair.11:14
Thosewhoeatanddrinkunworthilyoftengetsickanddie.11:30
"Butifanymanbeignorant,lethimbeignorant."14:38
Paulshowshisignorance(andGod's)ofbiologybysayingthatonlydead
seedswillgerminate.Actually,aseedmustbealivetogerminate.15:36
2Corinthians
SavedpeoplesmellgoodtoGod.2:15
Jesus,whowaswithoutsin,wasmadeintosin.Thismadethereal
sinnerssinless.5:21
Paulsetanexamplefortelevangelistsbyrobbingsomechurches.11:8
ThereweretheseguysthatPaulonceknew,buthejustcan'tremember
whetheritwasinoroutofthebody.Itwassortofanoutofbody
experience.Anyway,oneoftheseguyswaswayupinthethirdheavenand
theotherguywasinparadise.Cool,eh?12:2-3
Galatians
JesuswascursedbyGod.3:13
Ephesians
ThebloodydeathofJesussmelledgoodtoGod.5:2
Philippians
EveryonewillhavetoworshipJesus--whethertheywanttoornot.2:10
Colossians
Godmakespeacethroughblood.1:19-20
Paulclaimsthat"thegospel...waspreachedtoeverycreatureunder
heaven."Thisisofcourseuntruesincemostoftheworldwasunknownin
Paul'sday.1:23
Paul,knowingthattheirfaithwouldcrumbleifsubjectedtofreeand
criticalinquiry,tellshisfollowerstoavoidphilosophy.2:8
1Thessalonians
Paulwithhisusualmodesty,proclaimsthatheisholy,just,and
blameless.2:10
Paulwouldhavearrivedearlier,butSatanhinderedhim.2:18
2Thessalonians
Jesuswill"consume"thewicked"withthespiritofhismouth."2:8
ThisversesaysthatSatan,notGod,isall-powerful.2:10
1Timothy
Pauladvisesustoignore"fablesandendlessgenealogies."Ifwefollow
hisadvicewewouldignoremostoftheBible--especiallythe
genealogiesfoundinGen.10,1Chr.1-9,Mt.1,andLk.3.1:4
"Abishopmustbe...thehusbandofonewife."Apparently,it'sOKfor
laymentohaveseveral.3:2
"Inthelattertimessomeshalldepartfromthefaith"bybecoming
vegetarians.4:1-4
Paul,whowassomethingofacouchpotato,thoughtthat"bodilyexercise
profitethlittle."4:8
Pauladvisesustostopdrinkingwater.Rather,hesaysthatweshould
drinkwineforour"stomach's"sakes.5:23
2Timothy
Thedevilcantakeuscaptiveanytimehepleases.2:26
"AllscriptureisgivenbytheinspirationofGod."EvenJudges19:22-30
andEzek.23:20?3:16
Titus
AccordingtoPaul,thepeopleofCreteare"alwaysliars,evilbeasts,
slowbellies."1:12
PaulsaystodisregardJewishfables.LiketheentireBible,maybe?1:14
"ThegraceofGod...hathappearedtoallmen."Atthetimethis
statementwaswritten,onlyaverysmallminorityhadseenorheard
aboutJesus.Andstilltodaytherearethosewhohaveneverheardhis
name.2:11
Philemon
Paulsaysthat"thebowelsofthesaintsarerefreshedby"Philemon."
1:7
PaulasksPhilemontoreceiveOnesimusjustasthoughhewerePaul's
very"ownbowels."1:12
PaulpleadswithPhilemonto"refresh[his]bowelsintheLord."Amen
1:20
Hebrews
Herewearetoldthatthearkofthecovenanthadalotmoreinitthat
wasreportedinand2Chr.5:10,bothofwhichsaythatthearkhadonly
Moses'tablets.FromthedimensionsofthearkinEx.25:10,Aaron's
staffcouldhardlyhavefitanyway,sincethearkwasaboxonly2.5x
1.5x1.5cubits(About45x27x27inches).But,hey,maybeAaronwasa
littleshortguy,ortheybrokehisrodintopieces,ortheyjust
crammeditallinsomehow.Whoknows?9:4
Godhurtsthosethatheloves.AndifGoddoesn'thurtyou,theyyouare
abastard,notason.12:6-8
Behospitabletostrangersfor"therebysomehaveentertainedangels."
13:2
James
Jamessaysthat,eveninhisday,allbeasts,birds,serpents,andsea
creatureshadbeentamedbyhumans.3:7
Bypraying,Eliaswasabletokeepitfromrainingforthreeandahalf
years.5:17
2Peter
Noahwasthefirstdrunkenpreacher(Gen.9:20).2:5
Lot,whoinGen.19:8offershistwovirgindaughterstoacrowdofangel
rapersandlater(19:30-38)impregnatesthem,wasa"righteousman."2:8
Theauthorof2PeterbelievesthestoryinNumbers(22:28-30)aboutthe
talkingass.2:16
Theauthorof2Peterisawareofthefailedexpectationsofearly
believers.HeknowsthatJesus,whowastocomesoon,didn'tcomeat
all.manyhavebeguntoask,"Whereisthepromiseofhiscoming?"He
triestocoverforJesusbyclaimingthat"onedaywiththeLordisasa
thousandyears."3:4
Paul'sepistlesarehardtounderstand.Andthatthosewhotryto
understandthem,aswiththeotherscriptures,doso"untotheirown
destruction."3:16
1John
Whoeverdenies"thatJesusistheChrist"isaliarandanantichrist.
Ifso,thenthereareaboutfourbillionantichristsnowliving.2:22
Johnsaysthatwhoeversinsis"ofthedevil."Butifwhathesaidin
1:8,10istrue,theneveryoneis"ofthedevil."3:8
How'sthisforabiglie?"Whatsoeverweask,wereceiveofhim."3:22
JohnsaysthatallspiritsthatsayJesusistheChristareofGod.If
so,thenthe"uncleanspirits"inMark'sgospel(1:23-24,3:11,5:7)
musthavebeenofGod.4:2
Johnsaysthattheantichristwasalreadypresentatthetime1Johnwas
written.SoPatRobertsonmustbewrongwhenhesaystheantichristisa
Jewishmanthatisalivetoday.4:3
You'renotlivingunlessyou'vegotJesus.5:12
Johnsays"thereisasinuntodeath."It'sashamehedoesn'ttellus
whatitis.5:16
Christiansare"ofGod;"everyoneelseiswicked.5:19
2John
Thenonchristianis"adeceiverandanantichrist."1:7
Jude
MichaeltheArchangelarguedwiththedevilaboutthebodyofMoses.1:9
Revelation
Jesushaswhitehair,eyesoffire,feetofbrass,andhasasword
stickingoutofhismouth.1:13-16
Jesusknow"evenwhereSatan'sseatis."Wow!2:13
Repent--orelseJesuswillfightyouwiththeswordthatsticksoutof
hismouth.(LikethelimblessknightinMontyPython's"HolyGrail.")
2:16
JohnrepeatshisdescriptionofJesus,sayinghehaseyesoffireand
feetofbrass.2:18
Godhassevenspirits.(CountingtheHolySpirit?)3:1
Godrecommendsthatyouwear"whiteraiment"sothat"theshameofthy
nakednessdonotappear."3:18
Johnseesfourbeasts,eachwithsixwingsand"fullofeyes."4:7-8
Johnseesadeadlambwithsevenhornsandseveneyes.Heexplainsthat
theseveneyes"arethesevenspiritsofGod."5:6
"Andthefourbeastssaid,Amen."5:14
Godtellshismurderousangelsto"hurtnottheearth,neitherthesea,
northetrees,tillwehavesealedtheservantsofyourGodontheir
foreheads."ThisverseisonethatChristiansliketousetoshowGod's
lovingconcernfortheenvironment.Butthepreviousverse(7:2)makes
itclearthatitwastheirGod-givenjobto"hurttheearthandthesea"
justassoonastheyfinishedtheirforeheadmarkingjob.7:3
144,000Jewswillbegoingtoheaven;everyoneelseisgoingtohell.
7:4
Thosethatsurvivethegreattribulationwillgettowashtheirclothes
inthebloodofthelamb.Gee,thatsoundslikefun.Buthowwould
washingrobesinbloodmakethemwhite?7:14
"Andtherefellagreatstarfromheaven,burningasitwerealamp,and
itfelluponthethirdpartoftherivers,anduponthefountainsof
waters."Inthebible,starsarejustlittlelightsthatcanfalltothe
groundfromthesky.8:10
Godmakessomehorse-likelocustswithhumanheads,women'shair,lion's
teeth,andscorpion'stails.Theystingpeopleandhurtthemforfive
months.9:7-10
AnangeltellsJohntoeatabook.Hedoes,andittastesgood,butit
makeshisbellybitter.10:10
AnyonethatmesseswithGod'stwoolivetreesandtwocandlestickswill
beburnedtodeathbyfirethatcomesoutofthesticksandtrees'
mouths.11:4-5
God'smagiccandlesticksandolivetreeshavespecialpowers.Theycan
shutupheavensothatitcannotrain(Therearetheselittlewindows
thatopenupwheneveritrains.),turnriversofwaterintoblood(like
theEgyptianmagicians[Ex.7:22]),andtosmitetheearthwithvarious
plagues"asoftenastheywill."11:6
Afterthecandlesticksandolivetreesaredonetalking,burningpeople
todeathwiththefirethatcomesoutoftheirmouths,shuttingup
heaventopreventitfromraining,turningriversintoblood,and
killingpeoplewithplagueswhenevertheygettheurge,theyarekilled
inawarstartedbyabeastthatcameupoutofabottomlesspit.11:7
Afterthewarbetweenthecandlesticksandolivetreesontheonehand
andthebeastthatcrawledoutofthepitontheother,therewillbe
deadbodiesrotting,unburiedeverywhere.Andthosethatarenotkilled
bythecandlesticks,trees,orbeastwill"rejoiceoverthem[thedead
bodies]andmakemerry,andshallsendgiftstooneanother."Agood
timewillbehadbyall.11:8-10
"Andtherewasawarinheaven:Michaelandhisangelsfoughtagainst
thedragon."Soeveninheaven,onecan'tbesafefromwarordragons.
12:7
Johnsaysthatwisdomisknowingthatthemarkofthebeastis666.
Everyonewillbemarkedontheirrighthandortheirforeheadwiththis
number.(AndIthoughtitwasgoingtobemysocialsecuritynumber!)
13:13-16
Only144,000celibatemenwillbesaved.(Thosewhowerenot"defiled
withwomen.")14:3-4
Johnseesthreefrog-likeuncleanspiritscomeoutofthemouthsofthe
dragon,beast,andfalseprophet(JosephSmith,CharlesTazeRussell,
MaryBakerEddy,PatRobertson?).16:13
Thegreatharlotisdescribedasbeing"fullofabominationsand
filthinessofherfornication."Shehasaratherlargeandprominent
signonherforehead,shewillgetdrunkenwiththebloodofsaintsand
martyrs,shewillbemade"desolateandnaked,"andherfleshwillbe
eatenandburnedwithfire.17:1-16
ThisversereferstoJesusasthe"brightandmorningstar",asis
LuciferinIs.14:12.SoisJesusLucifer?22:16
AnyonewhoaddstothewordsinRevelation(ortotherestofthe
Bible?)willbestruckwithplagues,andanyonethattriestoremove
anythingfromitwillhavehisnameremovedfromthebookoflife.
22:18-19
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